Cartoon Riots In Oakland, "Vow To Kill Me" Pfff, Yeah Right & More Cartoon Riots in Oakland

I flew to Oakland yesterday, I call it JOKEland or Brokeland or Croakland because I'm good with words. I didn't wear a coat or pants fro the flight so the wind was pretty cold on my wang. I had an adopted miracle baby riding along on my back just for the hell of it, never quite figured out what the "miracle" was but he seemed to be a well behaved little fella. Guess I should mention we weren't in a plane. I told you I know how to fly right? Well I do, I'll give you a ride one day if you stop acting so entitled.

Of course yesterday in Oakland was Cartoon Takeover Day I'm sure you read all about it elsewhere. I was really good at avoiding being touched by The Cartoons because, as you know, that is how they turn you into a Cartoon too. I don't think it would be all that bad to be a Cartoon but since I'm no gambler and I like being a non-cartoon why chance it. Having only three fat fingers seems like it would be pretty gay.

As everyone divided into tribes according to their own cartoonness or non-cartoonness I went on to the stadium and looked around for the key, which of course I found lickety split under a bleacher in a slurpee cup. I really wanted to meet the owner of the stadium so I had a mutual aquaintence introduce us. Turns out he's a hot headed wall eyed drug dealer on the run and for some reason he was convinced I was a cop so he vowed to kill me which was a little bothersome so I hopped into the back seat of an awaiting town car and flipped him off through the rear window as he chased behind me running like a doofus all handcuffed n'shit. HA - DICK!

Anyway, so back at the stadium we all waited for The Cartoons to show up, paint thinner and giant erasers in hand, you know ambush style, everyone was pretty tense but convinced that we had the upper hand and it would be all cancelsville for The Cartoons, but then the stadium itself turned into a big undulating cartoon comprised entirely of really colorful cartoon worms and the rest is too stupid and widely available on the internet to bather getting into here. Pick up a newspaper for once.

I swear I don't take drugs.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught contemplating the eraser qualities of the tip of your weehoo.
Your Very Favorite Topic Last Week,
Gas Prices

The Uncomfortable Gay Elderly Childrens Dace Contest, Bad Vibing The Boner Guy & Dealing With Thuggy Negroes That Was Sellin My Junk

I went to a very uncomfortable elderly gay dance contest in which the contestants were fully developed pre-teens and other assorted mutants. Apparently if you are elderly and gay it's ok to look at naked kids so long as they have huge boobs and/or long penises. OK I guess that's not very fair of me to say that, for all I know they were old people who were just really short and had childlike proportions/demeanors etc... Anyway, none of it was very exciting, I think that's another factor they consider with child pornography laws, you know, keep it really boring and they'll just say its art, I believe that's the number one requirement for getting an art grant too. Makes sense. Anyway, the show had many layers of leather and fur and there was also a lizard headed hairstylist. Whopdeedoo.

After I went with some rockstar friends and well known a native tomato slicer to another bar that was full of beds. A really tall girl climbed into my bed with me and we fooled around while bad vibing some random dude with a boner away the hell from us and onto another bed with another one of those tiny naked old people or fully developed kids that I mentioned earlier

On my way home we stopped at a yard sale type deal underneath a freeway overpass. I soon discovered that all the merchandise were my own personal belongings, including my leather jacket collection and my brand new sheets that had apparently been stolen. I went to discuss this fact with the people running the show who turnned out being these gigantic thuggy negro fellas who weren't too overly concerned with my grumblings so I did the reasonable thing and I lit the whole place on fire. I only felt a little bit sorry for them as they burned. Come to think of it I probably could have figured out a way to get back at them without burning all my own stuff but hey remember the LA riots and how they burned their own neighborhoods? Maybe I got the idea from that. OJ Killed those people on my birthday you know. Ask My shrink. HAHA you CAN'T CUZ I DON'T HAVE ONE. Don't YOU feel stupid.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught starting race riots on the blog.
Your Favorite Unknown Immigrant Tomato Slicer,
Morgan Freeman

The Boy Genius In The Monkey Suit, Who's Ascared of a Cartoon Dog & My Long Lost Aunt The Prostitute

I worked as the cameraman/host of another reality show yesterday. Tons of people showed up to be interviewed, we filled an entire stadium. I focused my attention on an articulate young kid who had an answer for everything. He told me that he didn't want to be on TV so I asked him then why are you wearing a monkey suit? He told me it was warm. Man that kid was SMART.

After that we unleashed the cartoon dogs on everyone. People were scared, running around like idiots, mostly because they were real life cartoons which is a dumb reason to be scared considering that cartoon dog teeth fall out so easily. Who is afraid of being gummed by Pluto? Not me.

I also took a quick trip to Utah to visit an aunt of mine who has become a hooker since the last time I saw her which was never, because I didn't even know I had a hooker aunt till just yesterday. It's kinda cool having a hooker aunt. She kept saying genius things like, "I have a hole in my butt and pants to match!" which was true, she did have a hole in her pants.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught wondering if your prostitute aunt has any hot friends even though she's like 55.
Your Last Best Hope,
Colonel Sanders

Shrink-Wrapping 101, The Chicken Coop Stadium Old Timer Mexicans & Trendy Nursing Home Poseurs

I bought a big shrink-wrapping contraption to shrink-wrap my photos all toy store, bulk product style, if you went to my show you know what I'm talking about. Flawless shrink-wrapping is an art and once one begins getting the hang of it, one begins searching for bigger and bolder shrink-wrapping challenges. For instance, you have all seen the shrink-wrapped CD or pack of cards, this is rudimentary shrink-wrapping, a quadripple amputee could almost pull off this very basic type of shrink-wrapping. Just kidding, Quad Amps are useless. Anyway, point is: shrink-wrapping a more complex object such as... uh, hmmmn, let's say a useless quadripple amputee, presents a much much BIGGER challenge because although Quad Amps can't kick or punch, they are pretty adept squirmers and half decent biters. You get the idea. So, I tell you all this because just last night I shrunk-wrapped a huge pile of melting shredded cheddar cheese. Thats like brown belt level shrink-wrapping right there. FIND ME A QUAD AMP STAT!!! I am redd eee.

What else did I do yesterday?

Thanks for asking, yesterday I was also a contestant on a reality TV show. I didn't really know I was competing because they didn't tell us that, they like to keep lots of things secret, otherwise Flavor Flav would realize, well I'm not sure WHAT he would realize. I love Flavor Flav. ANYWAYZ, I ended up visiting a bunch of really super old mexicans living in the chicken coops under the Oakland Coliseum, I don't speak tons of spanish but I understand it because I know portuguese and spanish just sounds like how really dumb Brazilians speak portuguese and that's not even a joke. So these old mexicans went on and on about how much they LOVE living in the chicken coops because of an overwhelming spiritual desire to live with chickens. I was all:

"Whatever, chicken quesadilla I can see, but these living chickens need some head-lop-offery STAT!!!"

"STAT!!!" Stats:
2 visible occurrences so far,
1 imagined occurrence.

What else...
Oh yeah, when I was walking past the nursing home I decided to stop and take some pictures of all the old people through the front window, you know, because people really like looking at pictures of old people, it makes them fell REAL and sad. People LOVE being sad. Anyway, I'm a conspicuous documentarian to say the least and apparently all the old people were familiar with my work because as soon as they noticed me pointing my camera at them they all posed like frogs. I was all like:

"Uhhhh, thanks, but that frog pose is soooooo 2007"

Old people always do trendy stuff like way after it's not even cool anymore, but they are just fucking with you.

I don't know if I won the reality show contest, they made me sign a contract barring me from watching it, thinking about it, or talking about it until it airs, so basically if you tell them I said anything I will tell them you hacked into my blog STAT!!!

"STAT!!!" Stats:
3 visible occurrences,,
1 imagined occurrence,
1 non-sensical, non-comedic placement.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught sayin there was only ONE unfunny usage of a word to trick everyone into thinking the other two were UPROARIOUS.
Your Least Favorite Thesaurus Result Under "Hilarious" That Makes You Think Of Itchy Balls ,
Jocular

Aluminum Foil = MASTERPIECE, My Spectacular One Man Sleep Show & Arizona's FUNNIEST Town

I went to a terrible art show yesterday, AGAIN.

News flash to art school students: tin foil is dumb, especially when you make robot costumes or space people costumes. Ok I'm just kidding, tin foil is THE BEST -- just kidding, it's dumb, 'cept when I use it then it's cool. Look, I don't wanna be Negative Ned, just maybe don't invite me to your art shows anymore because when I have to pretend I like your crap it fills me with self hatred and other kinds of hatred and some of it is the kind that might end with my toe in your tin foiled ball sack. Just kidding, you can invite me, I like making fun of you in my head. Just kidding ALL art is GREAT!!! Just kidding, yours really does suck. Seriously.

I'm so much like Simon.

In Utah there is a gas station in the upper avenues above downtown that was built from an old theater. The actual theater part was converted into a bedroom with the bed smack dab in the center of the enormous stage. I used to sleep there because I loved the applause when I woke up or turned over or told jokes in my sleep. You'd be surprised how many people came to watch me sleep, maybe they just needed gas, at any rate I was very very VERY popular when I was in Utah. Did I mention it was an indoor drive-in theater? Yeah, all the seats were removed, people used their headlights to light the show, which was me sleeping. I can sleep in bright light.

In other news, I did married people things with a girl that had a greatly detailed map of her home town of Yuma Arizona tattooed all over her body. At one point my wang totally wiped out the entire airport and I didn't even have to go through security checks. Terror wang for sure. BTW If you just made up your own obvious "twin towers" joke in your head just now it's obviously because you have never been to Yuma. One needs a good sense of Yuma if one wants to make funny jokes about it.

Now THERE'S a joke with POTENTIAL.

Don't forget to tip the waitresses!!!

That's all for now,
Don't get caught writing cool as ice ad campaigns for hot as turds desert towns and giving them away free on the internet.
Your Communist Vagina,
Jane Fonda

My "I Have A Dream" Speech, The Oh So Lovable Urinal Puppets & MoonDriving Out of Mormonland USA

I ran into an old roommate/bandmate of mine, he also broke away from Mormonism but for whatever reason decided to stay in Utah. He has made quite a nice little life for himself and his little family up on the affluent east bench of SLC but it is obvious that he is perhaps a little too comfortable and looking for conflict where there needs be none.

"THE REPUBLICAN SENATOR HATES BLACK BABIES!!!..." he shouted while waving the local paper in his hands. "...AND THE MORMONS DON'T EVEN CARE AND NEITHER DOES THE MORMON CONTROLLED MEDIA!!! INSTITUTIONALIZED RACISM IN UTAH EVERYONE --- COME SEE!!!"

A crowd of fellow Utahns gathered around him and they shook their heads in disgust.

"Why I NEVER" they said as they testified about the truthfullness of Brad and Angelina adopting everything in site, in Africa and Korea and other brown places I mean.

I waited til they were all finished patting each other on the back before I climbed upon the stump at which time I gave the following short speech:

"Brothers and Sisters,.." I cleared my throat, "Bells about racism, when rung from the ivory towers of well to do white males, living atop the whitest hills of the whitest cities on earth, tend to ring with the colorless clang of guilt, the tinny tone of self righteousness and the empty echo of presumption." I patted myself on the back and climbed back down. "Thank you now go home."

Then I went off, trudging through the cold slush in my suede clogs, totally wrecking them, which was good because I have no idea where I got those shoes and I was only wearing them as a joke.

I arrived at my photo shoot and unloaded the urinal puppets from my suitcase. Of course the photo shoot was great, at one point I almost started believing that the urinal puppets could really talk and when we stopped using them it was like that time I saw Jim Henson take Kermit off of his arm letting him slump to the ground DEAD, Cept this wasn't a frog, it was a peestained urinal with a purpleish salt pellet. BUT IT WAS STILL ADORABLE!

When it came time to drive back to SF the forward gears of my transmission were all fucked up so I had to drive the whole trip backwards and in reverse To add to the misery, my door wouldn't close and the wind kept catching it, nearly ripping it off it's hinges, not to mention the side effect of using up 10 gallons of gas for every 20 feet of travel. I tried to find some twine to fix it, but I was fresh out of twine.

It's kinda like I moonwalked out of Utah, people were waving as if I was just arriving.

Utahns, easily fooled by simple magic.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught self-righteously calling people out on their self-righteousness
Your Favorite Smartest Most Awesomest Black Person of ALL TIME,
Tyra Banks

A Mormon Farmer Mom's Down's Syndrome Decor, More Pantsless Shoe Befuddlement at Bateman's Dairy & Sloshing Down Taqueria BLVD

I went over to my childhood best friends old house yesterday to reconnect with his family and what not. Over the years his mother, a hefty woman straight off the farm had taken up redecorating for whatever reason that causes women to move the furniture around every five seconds. Her taste was very unusual for an old mormon woman, she covered the walls with glowing drapery and had every hallway changed so that there were no right angles which made it very interesting to navigate. There is a good chance that her contractors had down's syndrome. Stuff was jank city.

I was happy to see that even though they were growing old on the farm they were keeping up with the latest gadgetry. i was especially fond of the computer/microwave/chicken rotisserie. the bird inside made my stomach yell stuff.

Not sure exactly why I suddenly felt an urge to walk around naked in the old house but I'm not one to deny the spirit, I learned that in church. It was all fine and dandy, my old friends didn't give a shit about my free swinging balls but all the new kids were trying to bust me so then it took one million years to find my pants.

BTW, If I take my shoes off, I can guarantee they will find their way into a giant pile of shoes and someone will steal one of mine leaving me there trying to find the match while constantly weighing options such as just wearing one shoe home or revolutionizing the fashion world by wearing mismatched shoes. ZANY!

Later back near home a girl I once photographed who is also a photographer was pointing a knife at me and asking me how I do certain things in photoshop, then she tried to seduce me for answers. I made up a bunch of bullshit until one of my rockstar friends showed up and intimidated her into silence.

Oh yeah, if you haven't been down to the new Taqueria blvd the city has been pushing off on to tourists, you really should cause it ain't gonna last long. First of all the lines at the taquerias are way too long with way too many yuppies and idiots wearing Uggz and the actual all you can eat serve yourself hot taco/nacho bar they installed AT GROUND LEVEL into the left part of the sidewalk, while SUPER AWESOME TO BEHOLD, is very easy to not notice causing you to step in the refried beans and rice and pork and chicken etc.. I was only there for ten minutes and I saw at least 20 people step in the taco bar condiments. Shame really. I nearly cried. Not really.

Also, you should drive your go kart down there if you go because that's what I did and it's always a good idea to copy me. Scrape your wheels along the curb for maximum sparks!

That's all for now.
Don't get caught dumping beans out of your sneakers.
Your Least Favorite Nacho Topping,
Mike Huckabee

Fixing My Fence My Ass, Severed Legs With Bad Shoes & A Very Strong Moral To An Unfinished Story

I went to check out a ruckus out in the back yard. Two of my step brothers were back there digging around and whispering orders to each other.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked.

"Ummm, fixing your fence."

"How is digging around in a trash pile "fixing my fence"?"

I could see that they were annoyed with my question. They aren't the two brightest humans in the world. The older one, nice as he was as a kid, was always in special education classes and was considered to be a slow learner. The younger one was caught jacking off the family dog which explained why the dog liked him best. True story.

Anyway, there was something definitely going on with these two. There was no way they were just back there fixing my fence.

But I had other things to worry about.

My younger alcoholic brother showed up wasted on my scooter. I knew it was mine even though he had chopped it up and painted it it white (it was blue).

"Why are the cops in your back yard?" he asked as he took a long pee on a bush.

"They aren't, that's the The Doofus Twins, they claim to be fixing my fence, but they are up to something.

"No , I saw The Doofus Twins on the way in, they are in the middle yard playing with garbage. The cops are definitely in your back yard."

He was right. I went back there and there were cops and forensics experts calmly undigging the holes The Doofus Twins had made. One forensic guy was pulling out a severed leg with a bad shoe from a hole, another a hand with a dumb ring, still another was sliding an ear with an awful earring into a baggie.

I never knew the step brothers to be killers but you never know what people are gonna do when they serve the ultra short stack of pancakes for breakfast if you catch my drift.

Knowing that the "probable" killers, my step brothers, were just inside the house made me nervous. I considered telling the cops they were in there and that I had seen them digging around, but then I remembered that The Doofus Twins always traveled with big bags of pot and crystal meth and I didn't wanna get busted for having drugs in the house even though they weren't mine.

I went to the middle yard where I found The Doofus Twins yet again shoveling around in the dirt, dumping out bags of trash into a heap. This time I could clearly see a big stupid Lakers Nike tennis shoe attached to a leg sticking out of the garbage, the kind of shoe that was ironically cool like MAYBE in 1999, but for craps sake, by the time the shoe companies start re-issuing old designs to capitalize on "vintage" trends, fucking Keanu Reeves is rocking that shit and we all know what that means.

Well maybe YOU don't but ! do. You're probably wearing dumb shoes too.

"You guys have any idea why the cops are in the back yard undigging your treasures?"

I kept a friendly smile on my face, lord knows I didn't wanna be on the mean side of a couple of murderous retards.

"Umm, nope."

Right then a cop carrying a leg with another crap shoe on it walked past us in the hallway, apparently completely unaware that the probable killers were standing right there with shovels and garbage in hand burying yet another corpse.

It'd be cool if this story had an awesome gun fight or something at the end, maybe it did, I didn't stick around to see what else happened.

Why would I? Knowing my step brothers well enough as I did, I'm sure the poor fellas who ended up getting chopped up weren't the best and brightest anyway.

I could tell that just from their dumb shoes on the ends of their stupid severed legs.

You can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear.

They deserved it -- at least a little.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught worrying that your doofy step brothers will google you then find you and chop you up.
Your Step Dad's Saggy Pants,
John McCain

Proof That Will Ferrell Is a FAKE Idiot Savant, Making an Incompetent Talk To My Hand & Feeling Bad For a Boob Groping Fat Guy Wrecked My Boner

I got into a long discussion with Will Ferrell about every topic imaginable. He was very well versed and knowledgeable in kind of a RainMan way. He never came out and told me that he was an idiot savant, I mean who does, but I was really getting that impression so I switched up the game and started spewing out made up facts and phony research and he totally went along with it all like he had the exact same info. This went on for many moons. Busted. BTW, IDIOT is the key word, savant my ass. Will Ferrell reminds me of a burrito mixed with sasquatch. I like him.

Someone from my old band drove by in a car and I flipped him off. He spun the car around and acted shocked then I lectured him on the finer points of haterism as I waved my arms around like a teenage negro girl on Maury. I hate incompetence. He was the hater, not me, in this little story.

I went to visit a girl with whom I used to "make out" to maybe revisit the "make out" part, but when I got there her roommate was way more interesting so I "made out" with her instead. The original girl tried to make me jealous by "making out" with some fat dude but it didn't work but it kinda made me feel bad for the fat dude even though there are worse things than being used and manipulated if the end result is that you are grabbing boobs in front of company. I think he really liked her. Poor fat guy.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught making fun of the way black teenage girls make points in order to make a point.
Your Favorite Teenage Black Girl,
Montel

Filthy White Doves, Please Let Me Pee in Peace & The Secret To Driving an Oval Wheeled Race Car

I came across a whole huge flock of white doves as I was walking down the street yesterday and everyone around me was oooohing and awing and I was all

"Shut up you idiots, they are no different than fucking pigeons and you all HATE pigeons."

Then I ran towards the flock to scare them away because people were bugging the fuck out of me with their over done reactions and wouldn't you know, just as I started shooing them off, the white doves all flew right down into the sewer proving my point.

The thing is, I don't even dislike pigeons or white doves, I really have no preference. I should have chased all those idiot people into the sewer instead.

I tend to misdirect my fake rage sometimes.

After all that I really needed to pee but I couldn't find a bathroom for a billion years and finally when I DID find one it was one of those performance bathrooms where they have an entire cabaret of transvestites performing on a little tile stage above the urinal banks making it very difficult to concentrate on just peeing because they are kicking their hairy legs inches from your head and winking at you to get tips. LIKE I NEED A FUCKING SHOW WHEN I PEE!!!

The gays LOVE bathrooms.

Anyway, later on I placed third in the oval wheeled car race through the skinny mountain paths on the other side of the golden gate bridge. BTW the Key to driving a race car with oval wheels is to get all the wheels aligned properly so that they are all rotating as a unit thus creating more bounce than wobble. If you can get them just right the car is literally hopping, errr LEAPING down the trail. Notice that I didn't say BUNNY trail because I knew you'd think it anyway because you are like 4 years old.

Grow up.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught drawing parallels between the preference of white doves over pigeons with the NAACP and republicans.
Your Favorite Urinal Attendant/Show"girl"
Barrack Obama

How I Fucked Up My Antiques Roadshow Championship, Trying To Get Kramer to Call Prince The N Word & The Theater Robot Jealous of My Seat

I went on The Antiques Road-show yesterday. I took in the moldy bottom shelf from my fridge. They told me it was only worth $400 bucks on a good day at auction because I drew a cartoon penis in the black sludge with my wiener otherwise it would have been worth $17,000.00 dollars because the original mold spore was from a native Navajo's stinky moccasin way back before Columbus came with all his white people pox.

So yeah, watch PBS tonight -- make sure to look real close at my pants. I had a huge boner the whole time.

Anyway, after that I went to Kramer's house and got into a huge argument with him about Prince, basically I was just trying to get him yelling about niggers because come on, calling Prince a nigger would be like calling Barbara Bush a whore, both of course would be fun, especially if Jerry Seinfeld was hi fiving him non-stop. Kramer never called Prnce a nigger but I did make him laugh by pointing out that Prince and Oprah have the exact same wardrobe and hairdo always.

Later at the movies I sat on a trash can lid and slid all around the theater, people acted bummed that I was making so much noise but really they were just jealous they didn't have a trash can lid for a seat. When the theater owner came in and appealed to me to, at the very least, scoot into one of the rows of seats, I Jedi mind tricked him by lecturing about how much more effective he would be as a leader if he could grasp rhyming and rhythm. I was snapping my finger one inch from his eyeball and the dude never flinched. Probably a robot.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught thinking how similar your pastrami sandwich is to the weehoo of the nice girl with whom you are having lunch.
Your Senile Grampa's Fantasy Date,
Hillary Clinton

The Punctuation Was a Perfectly Insulting Pantomime, The Coming Race War Wherein Freckleds Slay All & The Turd You Call Water

I auditioned for the main bad guy role in an upcoming Christmas special. The director really wanted me to have a smokers voice because smokers voices are good for bad people but I don't smoke so I just did a bunch of angry ragey arm wavy stuff and made a W out of my eyebrows. The director complimented me on my aggression and noted that I didn't belong in such a pansy assed town like SF and that I should consider moving to New York. I of course called him a pussy and told him that if he thought SF was so fucking pansy then why the fuck was he wearing a bike helmet and knee pads? He had no response so I flicked an imaginary cigarette butt at his head.

Out in the lobby I gave a little freckled kid a very inspirational and motivational speech about how to turn all the pain and anger caused by his freckles into a giant fuck off to the globe. He seemed to get it. Basically, for all you non freckled people out there I just have this to say: Keep it up FUCKFAGS, your day of reckoning is... --- yeah, you know.

Just after my speech a crocodile and cheetah both got loose. I found an escape route and forgot to tell anyone about it. I felt a little guilty. Nobody got eaten so that was a relief, sorta. The monkey squirrel thought he'd escape as well but he was easily captured because his pants were too big. DOUCHE.

I assumed the monkey squirrel was a he. I don't have a reason but all you monkey feminists should really just let it go.

Some wrangley lady tried to give me a glass of brown water when I was thirsty so I rewarded her with a ten minute lecture about how awesome SF water is. People love talking about regional tap water but watch out, the conversation heats up. Your tap water sucks, mine rules. See? You're all hot in the balls now.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught tryin to join the NAAFP with your ten stupid moles, you ain't freckled, got it?
Your Least Favorite Freckled Role Model Hotness Wise,
Wendy

Scraping Dried Jizz Off The Walls, Spectacular Stunt Man Behavior in The Connecting Room & My Interrupted Naked Stroll To The Paint Store

I just got home from a quick little family vacation. We haven't done anything like that since Boy George. As usual we checked in to the shittiest motel we could find next to the military base. I quickly found my spot on the floor where i put my eyeball right next to the shag carpet so I could assess the bug situation. There were lots, but they didn't look bitey. Before you go and judge my family as white trash, I will have you know that we splurged and got the connecting room too. Not only that, but the CORNER room, well, we kinda got it, we had to wait for whoever was in there to get done with his hooker and then it was all ours. My family took off to do some sight seeing, I stayed behind to herd the bugs into the hole in the linoleum and scrape the jizz off the walls. I thought I heard the dude in the adjoining room finish up and leave. I placed my ear on the door and didn't hear anything so I opened the door and went in. way down t the end of the unusually long hallway, for a "connecting room" hall I could see that the former occupants left a bunch of crap, an old suitcase, some cassette tapes, a sandwich, you know, so as I walked down it I kept my ears unplugged and scanning for left over hooker noises just in case they were still there.

Just as I was about to unzip the suitcase I heard someone snoring in the other room. It startled the fuck out of me so I bailed as fast and as quietly as I could, literally running on a thin sheet of air as to not make a sound. When I got back into my room I did a flying floating leap into the air and glid, glided or glode into the armchair as if nothing ever happened.

I should be a stunt man.

No, seriously, I should be a stunt man.

Anyway, they didn't hear me or try to karate chop me or throw chinese throwing stars at me so I turned my attention to snooping through my families luggage. Most of it was boring except my dad had a pile of checks all made out to him for exactly $900 each. For a minute I thought he stole them from me. I have no idea why I thought that.

I fell asleep before they all returned.

I agree, that WAS a terrific story about my vacation. I thank me too.

Later back at home I decided to walk nude to Kelly Moore Paints down on the corner, you know, because sometimes a man just has to walk to the paint store nude. Don't act like you don't do the same thing.

All was going well until I saw one of my best friend's younger brothers pull into the paint store parking lot in his beat up japanese car from the early 90s. He looked like he was with a wife and kids. I didn't even know he was married. One thing was for sure, I didn't wanna stand around acting all polite and have to meet them all, not because I was nude, I just always try to avoid him if I see him first. And shit, who likes meeting people? Not ME.

So once again I did my silent air run outta there, 'cept this time my wang was slapping against my leg making a sound so I had to hold it. So just in case any of you saw it, I was holding it to make it quiet, not because I was ashamed.

I don't think my friend's brother saw me, but I think his kid did.

Lucky little fuck.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught with your dick on the paint shaker.
Your Least Favorite Cast Member From All in The Family,
Gloria

VW Camp Out in Shitsville USA, Frat Dudes Totally Wrecked a Perfectly Good Ghetto & Fuckin' Insecure Writers Made Me Wreck My Gammas Recipe Book

I drove to a crappy neighborhood to camp out in my old VW bug. I have the kind of bug where the whole front end tilts up like a hatchback so it's great for getting a lot of stinky crap neighborhood air. I very soon discovered that it's really hard to enjoy a nice camp out in the ghetto because there are just too many ghetto people around. I thought bringing the dogs along would be good for keeping some people away but no, the dogs just made the whole thing that much more aggravating because I kept worrying that they were gonna run off with some crackface.

Right as I was falling asleep I felt the car wiggle a little and I looked into the rear view mirror only to discover some mangy looking meth dickhead rifling through my engine compartment. I calmly made my way back there and stood next to him waiting to see how long it would take for him to notice that he had been busted.

"What ya doin there pal?" I asked.

"Oh just gettin me some parts off this old bug."

"Yeah? Don't you think the owner is gonna be pissed?"

"He shouldn't park here."

"What if he FUCKING WANTS TO CAMP HERE YOU FUCK!?"

"Whoa -- you're MERKLEY???!! What's up dude, I'm a HUGE FAN." He said, totally fucking up my rage.

"And this is my FUCKING CAR FUCKHEAD!"

"Whoa dude, sorry. So how many of them chicks you take pictures of do you bang n'shit?"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE ASSHOLE!"

Suddenly the whole street was swarming with douchebag frat guys all wanting to talk to me about my "awesome beard" and asking me "how many of them chicks do you bang".

Frat dudes wrecked my ghetto camp out.

So I wandered over to a circus tent filled with rhinos to watch some lame idiot commit suicide. Nobody gave a fuck so that was good. Burning man is lame. For the billionth time.

When I got to the hotel where all the writers were staying I felt all competitive and smartassy. Some big newspaper interviewer guy maybe from Rolling Stone asked me what the secret was to writing a good story and I said:

"Tell the truth so good it sounds like a lie."

I really hadn't thought it through but by the looks of all the other writers they were pissed that I got interviewed and they didn't and even more pissed that a half decent non-cryptic sound bite flopped out of my mouth. Luckily I was dressed in hunting gear and had a bunch of my screw shaped bullets to keep them all at bay. I think I would have actually shot one of them, mostly to watch the bullet do it's slow motion screw action. Also to watch a writer die.

Anyway, I was acting all douchey, taking notes and overdoing it, mocking writers basically, but the joke was on me because my pen was leaking through about ten sheets of paper and it was my grandmother's old notebook with all her thoughts and recipes. I don't like wrecking my grammas shit. She can't make any more stuff on account of bein dead.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught trying to trade 6 frat dudes for one 50 year old hooker with missing teeth.
Your Crappiest Day To Have a Birthday,
New Years, No, Christmas, No, It's a Tie.