I went on The Antiques Road-show yesterday. I took in the moldy bottom shelf from my fridge. They told me it was only worth $400 bucks on a good day at auction because I drew a cartoon penis in the black sludge with my wiener otherwise it would have been worth $17,000.00 dollars because the original mold spore was from a native Navajo's stinky moccasin way back before Columbus came with all his white people pox.
So yeah, watch PBS tonight -- make sure to look real close at my pants. I had a huge boner the whole time.
Anyway, after that I went to Kramer's house and got into a huge argument with him about Prince, basically I was just trying to get him yelling about niggers because come on, calling Prince a nigger would be like calling Barbara Bush a whore, both of course would be fun, especially if Jerry Seinfeld was hi fiving him non-stop. Kramer never called Prnce a nigger but I did make him laugh by pointing out that Prince and Oprah have the exact same wardrobe and hairdo always.
Later at the movies I sat on a trash can lid and slid all around the theater, people acted bummed that I was making so much noise but really they were just jealous they didn't have a trash can lid for a seat. When the theater owner came in and appealed to me to, at the very least, scoot into one of the rows of seats, I Jedi mind tricked him by lecturing about how much more effective he would be as a leader if he could grasp rhyming and rhythm. I was snapping my finger one inch from his eyeball and the dude never flinched. Probably a robot.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught thinking how similar your pastrami sandwich is to the weehoo of the nice girl with whom you are having lunch.
Your Senile Grampa's Fantasy Date,
Hillary Clinton
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