I ran into an old roommate/bandmate of mine, he also broke away from Mormonism but for whatever reason decided to stay in Utah. He has made quite a nice little life for himself and his little family up on the affluent east bench of SLC but it is obvious that he is perhaps a little too comfortable and looking for conflict where there needs be none.
"THE REPUBLICAN SENATOR HATES BLACK BABIES!!!..." he shouted while waving the local paper in his hands. "...AND THE MORMONS DON'T EVEN CARE AND NEITHER DOES THE MORMON CONTROLLED MEDIA!!! INSTITUTIONALIZED RACISM IN UTAH EVERYONE --- COME SEE!!!"
A crowd of fellow Utahns gathered around him and they shook their heads in disgust.
"Why I NEVER" they said as they testified about the truthfullness of Brad and Angelina adopting everything in site, in Africa and Korea and other brown places I mean.
I waited til they were all finished patting each other on the back before I climbed upon the stump at which time I gave the following short speech:
"Brothers and Sisters,.." I cleared my throat, "Bells about racism, when rung from the ivory towers of well to do white males, living atop the whitest hills of the whitest cities on earth, tend to ring with the colorless clang of guilt, the tinny tone of self righteousness and the empty echo of presumption." I patted myself on the back and climbed back down. "Thank you now go home."
Then I went off, trudging through the cold slush in my suede clogs, totally wrecking them, which was good because I have no idea where I got those shoes and I was only wearing them as a joke.
I arrived at my photo shoot and unloaded the urinal puppets from my suitcase. Of course the photo shoot was great, at one point I almost started believing that the urinal puppets could really talk and when we stopped using them it was like that time I saw Jim Henson take Kermit off of his arm letting him slump to the ground DEAD, Cept this wasn't a frog, it was a peestained urinal with a purpleish salt pellet. BUT IT WAS STILL ADORABLE!
When it came time to drive back to SF the forward gears of my transmission were all fucked up so I had to drive the whole trip backwards and in reverse To add to the misery, my door wouldn't close and the wind kept catching it, nearly ripping it off it's hinges, not to mention the side effect of using up 10 gallons of gas for every 20 feet of travel. I tried to find some twine to fix it, but I was fresh out of twine.
It's kinda like I moonwalked out of Utah, people were waving as if I was just arriving.
Utahns, easily fooled by simple magic.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught self-righteously calling people out on their self-righteousness
Your Favorite Smartest Most Awesomest Black Person of ALL TIME,
Tyra Banks
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