I bought a big shrink-wrapping contraption to shrink-wrap my photos all toy store, bulk product style, if you went to my show you know what I'm talking about. Flawless shrink-wrapping is an art and once one begins getting the hang of it, one begins searching for bigger and bolder shrink-wrapping challenges. For instance, you have all seen the shrink-wrapped CD or pack of cards, this is rudimentary shrink-wrapping, a quadripple amputee could almost pull off this very basic type of shrink-wrapping. Just kidding, Quad Amps are useless. Anyway, point is: shrink-wrapping a more complex object such as... uh, hmmmn, let's say a useless quadripple amputee, presents a much much BIGGER challenge because although Quad Amps can't kick or punch, they are pretty adept squirmers and half decent biters. You get the idea. So, I tell you all this because just last night I shrunk-wrapped a huge pile of melting shredded cheddar cheese. Thats like brown belt level shrink-wrapping right there. FIND ME A QUAD AMP STAT!!! I am redd eee.
What else did I do yesterday?
Thanks for asking, yesterday I was also a contestant on a reality TV show. I didn't really know I was competing because they didn't tell us that, they like to keep lots of things secret, otherwise Flavor Flav would realize, well I'm not sure WHAT he would realize. I love Flavor Flav. ANYWAYZ, I ended up visiting a bunch of really super old mexicans living in the chicken coops under the Oakland Coliseum, I don't speak tons of spanish but I understand it because I know portuguese and spanish just sounds like how really dumb Brazilians speak portuguese and that's not even a joke. So these old mexicans went on and on about how much they LOVE living in the chicken coops because of an overwhelming spiritual desire to live with chickens. I was all:
"Whatever, chicken quesadilla I can see, but these living chickens need some head-lop-offery STAT!!!"
"STAT!!!" Stats:
2 visible occurrences so far,
1 imagined occurrence.
What else...
Oh yeah, when I was walking past the nursing home I decided to stop and take some pictures of all the old people through the front window, you know, because people really like looking at pictures of old people, it makes them fell REAL and sad. People LOVE being sad. Anyway, I'm a conspicuous documentarian to say the least and apparently all the old people were familiar with my work because as soon as they noticed me pointing my camera at them they all posed like frogs. I was all like:
"Uhhhh, thanks, but that frog pose is soooooo 2007"
Old people always do trendy stuff like way after it's not even cool anymore, but they are just fucking with you.
I don't know if I won the reality show contest, they made me sign a contract barring me from watching it, thinking about it, or talking about it until it airs, so basically if you tell them I said anything I will tell them you hacked into my blog STAT!!!
"STAT!!!" Stats:
3 visible occurrences,,
1 imagined occurrence,
1 non-sensical, non-comedic placement.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught sayin there was only ONE unfunny usage of a word to trick everyone into thinking the other two were UPROARIOUS.
Your Least Favorite Thesaurus Result Under "Hilarious" That Makes You Think Of Itchy Balls ,
Jocular
No comments:
Post a Comment