I auditioned for the main bad guy role in an upcoming Christmas special. The director really wanted me to have a smokers voice because smokers voices are good for bad people but I don't smoke so I just did a bunch of angry ragey arm wavy stuff and made a W out of my eyebrows. The director complimented me on my aggression and noted that I didn't belong in such a pansy assed town like SF and that I should consider moving to New York. I of course called him a pussy and told him that if he thought SF was so fucking pansy then why the fuck was he wearing a bike helmet and knee pads? He had no response so I flicked an imaginary cigarette butt at his head.
Out in the lobby I gave a little freckled kid a very inspirational and motivational speech about how to turn all the pain and anger caused by his freckles into a giant fuck off to the globe. He seemed to get it. Basically, for all you non freckled people out there I just have this to say: Keep it up FUCKFAGS, your day of reckoning is... --- yeah, you know.
Just after my speech a crocodile and cheetah both got loose. I found an escape route and forgot to tell anyone about it. I felt a little guilty. Nobody got eaten so that was a relief, sorta. The monkey squirrel thought he'd escape as well but he was easily captured because his pants were too big. DOUCHE.
I assumed the monkey squirrel was a he. I don't have a reason but all you monkey feminists should really just let it go.
Some wrangley lady tried to give me a glass of brown water when I was thirsty so I rewarded her with a ten minute lecture about how awesome SF water is. People love talking about regional tap water but watch out, the conversation heats up. Your tap water sucks, mine rules. See? You're all hot in the balls now.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught tryin to join the NAAFP with your ten stupid moles, you ain't freckled, got it?
Your Least Favorite Freckled Role Model Hotness Wise,
Wendy
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