I just got home from a quick little family vacation. We haven't done anything like that since Boy George. As usual we checked in to the shittiest motel we could find next to the military base. I quickly found my spot on the floor where i put my eyeball right next to the shag carpet so I could assess the bug situation. There were lots, but they didn't look bitey. Before you go and judge my family as white trash, I will have you know that we splurged and got the connecting room too. Not only that, but the CORNER room, well, we kinda got it, we had to wait for whoever was in there to get done with his hooker and then it was all ours. My family took off to do some sight seeing, I stayed behind to herd the bugs into the hole in the linoleum and scrape the jizz off the walls. I thought I heard the dude in the adjoining room finish up and leave. I placed my ear on the door and didn't hear anything so I opened the door and went in. way down t the end of the unusually long hallway, for a "connecting room" hall I could see that the former occupants left a bunch of crap, an old suitcase, some cassette tapes, a sandwich, you know, so as I walked down it I kept my ears unplugged and scanning for left over hooker noises just in case they were still there.
Just as I was about to unzip the suitcase I heard someone snoring in the other room. It startled the fuck out of me so I bailed as fast and as quietly as I could, literally running on a thin sheet of air as to not make a sound. When I got back into my room I did a flying floating leap into the air and glid, glided or glode into the armchair as if nothing ever happened.
I should be a stunt man.
No, seriously, I should be a stunt man.
Anyway, they didn't hear me or try to karate chop me or throw chinese throwing stars at me so I turned my attention to snooping through my families luggage. Most of it was boring except my dad had a pile of checks all made out to him for exactly $900 each. For a minute I thought he stole them from me. I have no idea why I thought that.
I fell asleep before they all returned.
I agree, that WAS a terrific story about my vacation. I thank me too.
Later back at home I decided to walk nude to Kelly Moore Paints down on the corner, you know, because sometimes a man just has to walk to the paint store nude. Don't act like you don't do the same thing.
All was going well until I saw one of my best friend's younger brothers pull into the paint store parking lot in his beat up japanese car from the early 90s. He looked like he was with a wife and kids. I didn't even know he was married. One thing was for sure, I didn't wanna stand around acting all polite and have to meet them all, not because I was nude, I just always try to avoid him if I see him first. And shit, who likes meeting people? Not ME.
So once again I did my silent air run outta there, 'cept this time my wang was slapping against my leg making a sound so I had to hold it. So just in case any of you saw it, I was holding it to make it quiet, not because I was ashamed.
I don't think my friend's brother saw me, but I think his kid did.
Lucky little fuck.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught with your dick on the paint shaker.
Your Least Favorite Cast Member From All in The Family,
Gloria
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