Slept over at an old friends house last night. His couch was crusty as ever with nacho dust and chili stains and a few cat turds. I wandered into the kitchen in the middle of the night and ate a pile of meat ten inches high. I put some of the sliced ham on my shoulders because it felt cool and would look really great if my friend were to wander into the kitchen. Always fuck with the half asleep. I'm such a good person I plan out surprises even if they never happen. Ham shoulders.
Speaking of half asleep. The best nickname I ever gave anyone was to this kid in high school whose eyes were always puffy. I called him Halfasleep Ashby. It's not that it's that funny or anything, its more that the word Halfasleep is really pleasant to say. It's soothing. Say it over and over. Name your kid Halfasleep. No charge.
Back to my day, later, some rockstar friends of mine invited me to an awards show. I was thinking it would be some big deal like the Grammys or something but instead it was the neighborhood music awards. They have been out of the limelight for a little while but this shit was super low budget, like in a school cafeteria, even the local bands didn't show up so when my famous friends showed up everyone began whispering as if it was sad that they showed up. It was pretty awkward. Of course I told a bunch of jokes to make light of the situation. What? Merkley??? saves the day AGAIN? Ya don't say.
After my stellar performance at the awards show I walked around the neighborhood with five or six cute girls and we all dared each other to walk into random homes and backyards and just set up camp all picnic style -- the girls were of course in various states of undress because you know, breaking and entering is always forgiven if you're a hot naked woman. That was the whole point. However I will warn you, if you are having a breaking and entering picnic in someone's garage with 5 or 6 naked girls, still stay alert because a garage is still a garage and if you are getting a hand job underneath the automatic garage door and some girl accidentally presses the remote door dealie with her boob you still stand an outside chance of accidental decapitation. STAY ALERT PEOPLE! YOU CAN'T SUE IF YOU'RE DEAD AND PANTSLESS.
Speaking of back yard barbeques, that evening I heroed out the situation yet again by bringing yet another huge pile of meat along with a billion bags of picnic supplies and I was able to get it all out of the big brown Cadillac with only two hands. Too bad I parked the caddy too close to the BBQ and it caught fire. Well not really too bad, everyone enjoyed watching it explode. Explosions are crowd pleasers for sure. Plus the heat is good for meat cookery.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught trying to pull off ham shoulders with baloney even though Baloneyshoulders sounds almost as pretty as Halfasleep.
Your First String Grill Master,
Fat Black Guy With Apron & Tongs
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