I pulled over my yellow Taxi Hearse because I was feeling really sleepy and thought that if I gave it a buff and a shine I might wake up a little. I went back to the back and slid out the coffin, opened it up and began dusting off all my old photo equipment inside but I was just too tired, no matter what I did my eyes were just too heavy, completely impossible to keep open. It felt as if there were cartoon fingers and glue forcing my eyes shut, I mean it's not as if eyelid muscles are anything I have ever been conscious of ever before but at that moment I was really regretting my laziness having never even attempted to work them out even once. I don't know about you but I'm gonna join the eyelid gym and get big muscley eyelids so that next time this sort of thing happens I don't fee like such a pussy.
Once I lost the eyelid battle I could feel the suction of the rushing traffic pulling my body into the street. Not wanting to become a smudge of grease on the freeway, I had the brilliant Idea to wedge my leg into the tailgate. I cut the fuck out of my leg but at least I wasn't smashed by a truck.
I got a funny hair up my bum to move down into the basement to maybe inspire me to fix it up so it's not just a dusty dungeon. To get some tips on how to go about the construction I decided to mosey through the tunnels that connect my basement with the neighbors basements. That was a mistake because all the neighbors basements were so nice it made it perfectly clear just how much work I had in front of me. The neighbor three doors down was having a sale of super super long furniture. There was a particular 30 foot long sofa that I really wanted but there wasn't really anyway to move it out of there without sawing it into pieces. They really weren't demonstrating much forethought when they built those things without anyway to get them out. Guess that's why the prices were so low. Basically all the other basements were filled with super valuable collectibles. My basement was filled with dirt and bugs. Whatever, I'll move back upstairs.
Later on the street some dumb bitch came up to me an purposely ripped off all my pockets. At first I thought she was gonna laugh or something and reveal some bigger point. Like was this some kind of joke? Some big metaphor or something? I waited but soon realized she was just being a pocket ripping cunt and it infuriated me so I punched the crap out of her, or at least I TRIED, bitch had some sort of special power force field around her that slowed my punches to about one second per minute. I may as well have been Stephen Hawking submerged in a giant bag of cold honey for how slow and weak I was punching.
She was a perfectly good example of someone using their powers for evil instead of good. Who goes around ripping off pockets? She looked like a homeless Oprah only prettier. Her boobs were sticky like snot.
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