I woke up drunk out of my brain behind the wheel of what must have been a stolen station wagon, I don't remember even getting into it, but anyway, that's what happens I guess. I was barreling towards the Bay bridge just trying to keep my eyes open, luckily, every time I'd scrape into the guard rail or hit a construction worker the noise would wake me up, lucky me for them or I would have been SCREWED.
Instead of trying to pass through the toll booth I decided it would be best to convince the toll booth operator that even though she had not been informed, her toll booth was now a parking space and she needed to keep an eye on my car while I ran a few errands. Wasted as I was, parking that huge boat was a BITCH. I punctuated my show with a long pee in the cash register. The toll booth operator smiled then called the cops but when they got there I told a bunch of jokes and did a few robot moves and they high fived my for my radness.
"Merkley, you one funny muthafucka" the white cop said trying to sound like the black cop."
"Ok" I said, talking to the black cop while pointing at the white cop, "Now you do him!"
Now you see why they let me go. I'm hilarious. Who could hate me.
Anyway, pardon the pun but, I'm not the type that usually "blacks" out when I drink so it became my mission to remember what had transpired earlier in the evening. I remembered making some drinks out of wood shavings and sugar, I had developed a super fast fermentation technique that I wish I could remember. You haven't lived till you have tasted cedar and honey. Two of my former band mates were there basically annoying the shit out of me, that's probably why I drank so much. Hopefully the station wagon belonged to one of them. Holy shit they were boring. I think.
Oh yeah, earlier in the day I went through the turnstile at a BART station way out in the middle of nowhere, but for some reason every single person who ever thought I was awesome was there calling my name and giving me props.
"I should fucking run for Mayor" I said to one fan.
"NO FUCKING KIDDING" He said. "MERKLEY IS RUNNING FOR MAYOR EVERYBODY!!!"
The whole BART station erupted in applause and I saw Gavin Newsom lower his head and scoot out through a side door. Awe, poor fella.
After I sobered up a bit I cruised over to my friend Ellen DeGeneres' house in the East Bay, she films her show there you know. She was in a big fight with her roommate who is a nice gay man. I don't know what they were fighting about but I told a bunch of jokes and did my best to get them to make up. I was laying there on the floor and Ellen, who had just dyed her hair black, was running her fingers through my hair saying all kinds of funny shit and basically being the best friend a person could ever have. She asked me to return the favor and run my fingers through her hair but her gay roommate was getting really territorial over both of us. He's the one causing the troubles.
Ellen's mom came in the room and removed all her skin. She is very beautiful under all that wrinkled sagginess.
"Why do you even wear all that old skin?" I asked her.
"You can't walk around as an 80 year old woman and expect to be taken seriously without serious sags."
I have to admit she made complete sense. But fuck, she was HAWT. ha ha -- I just said "butt fuck".
After that Ellen showed me one of her many talents by texting me a perfectly written message without even looking at her phone.
"Yeah, I learned how to do this so that when I'm in a boring conversation I can have a completely different conversation in my pocket." she said.
"That's absolute genius" I said. "But how do you understand what people text back?"
"My phone vibrates out the messages in morse code."
"You know morse code?"
"I was in the Navy"
"Oh yeah."
Not only that but Ellen, being funny till the very end, has a funny phone -- HUGE and plasticy, like it was made for a clown. Damn I'm glad she is my best friend.
But yeah, you should go to her house one day and catch the filming of her show. She always has an afternoon afterparty and every one in the audience is invited. You won't regret it.
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