30 Years of Missing Gay Packed Into One Evening in Vegas, Fruit Striped Sinking Zambonis & The Reign of Fake Rolex Beard

I went to Las Vegas to visit a an old friend of mine who came out of the closet when he was 30. I suppose staying in the closet so long is why he never learned how to be a fashion homo. He was dressed as a raver circa 1995 which would be cool if he was intentionally going for that look but I think he was just doing his best to look gay and current, gay he looked, current he did not. He had big baggy rave pants and curly pink hair. I think I may have even spotted a glow stick in his pocket -- and that's a rave joke, not a homo joke. More in the overcorrection due to lost time department, he has amassed quite a gigantic shoe collection all properly displayed in tiny square box shelves in many rooms -- thousands of pairs of shoes and I could hardly find a pair I would rock.

There were some pointy denim cowboy boots I had my eye on. Yeah, gay.

Also he took forever getting ready, he tried on at least 50 outfits. I mean come on, that's TOO gay.

In the basement he had a big fire pit with a foot operated bellow system to really get the flames going -- foot operated probably to show off his shoes, bellow because something about flamer this or flamer that -- you make the joke.

When we went to the ice rink (super size the gay please), I had fun watching the Zambonis sink into the ice. they didn't have their shit together. i went out on the ice to get in the way and I pulled up huge sheets of ice to see what the trouble was -- I spotted the trouble immediately, it seems they were making the ice out of layers of super clear kool-aid -- the whole rink was a giant popsicle swimming pool. Maybe that was all part of the show, I don't know, I didn't read the program.

My beard was super huge yesterday -- like way curly like a pirates beard -- thicker than normal, curly nearly to the point of seeming dreadlocky - I put a bunch of my fake rolexes in my beard to take advantage of it's new super grippyness -- who else rocks a beard full of fake rolexes? Answer, nobody -- I am super original, which is why the girls and gays love the fuck out of me and don't you forget it young lady.

That's all for now.
Don't get caught licking the delicious fruit stripey flavored ice rink.
Your Favorite Dude Who Sounds Like a Frozen Treat and Has a Job To Match,
Frank J. Zamboni