A friend of mine requested my company at her place of business, a totally corporate joint with cubicles and walls covered in that purpleish gray fabric that corporate dullards think makes the environment nice and homey when it really just makes it like a dentists office which is the same as the pits of hell only worse. Even as a visitor to that environment I felt all kinds of anxiety, some of which was worrying that other people would mistake me as an employee and somehow I would get tied and bound with scotch tape, tarred and feathered with glue sticks and post-it notes and finally stapled to an ergonomic chair as some kind of actual corporate slave. That's how it happens right? Anyway, to make it very clear that I wasn't part of the system I decided to go shirtless because extreme times call for extreme measures. Shirtless AIN'T Corporate.
I went to the copy room to, duh, make xerox copies of my balls etc, and through the crack in the door I see this woman with whom I had once had the sex, I made a quick move to hide cuz I didn't want her to see me there, shirtless or not, I just don't want any hot girl ever mistaking me for someone who has a job. That could wreck everything. Well I wasn't fast enough, she spotted me and slithered into the room.
"merkley what are you doing here?"
"Making copies of my balls. What are YOU doing here?"
"I just came in to help my friend Ponchito."
"You mean that Mexican homo in the office behind you?"
"He's not gay, just short, and not Mexican, just tan."
I always do my best to insult the appearance of any man who seems to be movin' in on one of my girls -- you know how it goes. A man must pee on his stuff.
"Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"
"It's casual friday."
"Oh." she said as she removed her own shirt.
Then I played with her boobs for ten minutes.
"Say hi to Ponchito I said as I put on my shirt. Ponchito was standing right there but it's fun to pretend that people are Mexican and can't understand english.
I folded up the copies of my balls and put them in my pocket and went outside. Guess who was out there. Yeah, Ponchito and the girl, They must have run outside to beat me. The girl kept looking at me like either she wasn't finished or she was trying to make me jealous by tossing around a football with Ponchito. Of course she was making me jealous but one can't let on to such things and I really didn't want to toss around the football with them and I sensed that was exactly what was about to be suggested as I was walking just the right speed for Ponchito to pass the ball to me right before I stepped into the end zone. Last thing I wanted was some sort of victory celebration with pee wee Ponchito, but at the same time I was worried that if I didn't keep my eye on him and the ball that maybe he'd throw it anyway and I didn't want to get hit in the back of the head. All that lead up to a self fulfilling prophecy because not a second later:
"Merkley, go long" Ponchito said as he lobbed me a wobbler.
I sped up my pace just a bit and caught the the ball with an apparent complete lack of effort which was a relief cuz how embarrassing would it be to be caught even appearing to give one fuck about sports?
"Why is this ball all long and squishy? Is this some kind of gay football? Why is it sparkley gold?" I yelled as I passed it back.
Ponchito shrugged like he had no clue what I was talking about. I turned to the girl and used my hand to shield the side of my face Ponchito could see and I mouthed out the words: "He's not just "short"." -- Yeah, I did air quotes even.
Later I used a pork chop bone to scratch a mean note into the paint of a car I didn't like. Pork chop bones can also be used for eye gouging FYI.
Thats all for now.
Don't get caught appearing to give even a smidge of one fuck about sports.
Your Important Point Repeater,
Non-Fuck Giverbout Sports
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