I haven't really talked about it but I've been cast as the lead awesome dude in a big hollywood movie. I forget to show up to the set half the time. That's a lie, I just have an aversion to obligation so I pretend to forget.
Last night we were shooting my scene with Richard Dreyfuss, I haven't read the script because hollywood movies are so predictable that as soon as any other actor says his line all I have to do is say what line I think would come next only more cryptic delayed response style and the director thinks I'm some kind of Robin Williams genius. So anyway, yeah, the elevator shaft scene: Bad guy falls down an elevator shaft. SHOCKING, The only thing is, and I probably shouldn't tell you this, but the stunt man died. But that's what they get paid for.
STUNT MAN STRIKE!!
So yeah, I was saying, my scene with Dreyfuss required me yelling at him using all kinds of insults. Of course it was easy for me because I have always considered him to be extremely annoying and weasley so I just let loose and his veins popped out of his forehead and his face turned red just like he was constantly in What About Bob and so I made fun of his veins and squeaky voice and then I could see that he was actually getting mad for real so I got even more insulting because he is really super short and I thought how cool it would be to drive him to the point of violence.
Anyway, he didn't punch me like I hoped. What a wuss.
Nearby there were some caves that I decided to explore. The walls were covered with a type of green moss that would recoil like like a snails antennae if you got too near. Kinda like broccoli meets -- uh, snail antennae. The interesting part of this moss/mold type substance was that, upon entering the cave it would immediately start sprouting from one's very own hair follicles. Did I mention the cave had a giant moving sidewalk in it? Yeah, kinda touristy, but anyway it was very entertaining watching everyones hair turn into broccoli snail afros. Pubes too. People take their clothes off in the cave because broccoli pubes are fun to see. Admit it.
BTW, if I was a kid who wanted to express my dislike for broccoli to my mother in one word I would simply pronounce it the same way as the deadly disease e-coli: broc-coli and then I might really over do the "broc" part, like "BRAAAAHHWWWK", like a barf sound. But I love broccoli, always have, that's why I leave my jokes here for YOU to use.
Speaking of barf sounds, I made a visit back to my old high school math class. Mr. Archibald was still the teacher, he still looked like a dinosaur bird and he still thought he was funny. This time though I wasn't just some kid, I was a movie star so he was all trying to be nice to me. He brought a whole handful of pens over to my desk.
"Oh you crazy Mr. Archibald, you always did like to overdo it in the pen department." I laughed as I hollywood charm insulted him.
"I see you brought a snack" He said as he was looking down at my crotch area.
I looked down to see if I had left my zipper open, I always suspected Archibald was homo and his comment really grossed me out. But then I noticed he was just acknowledging the bottle of Jim Beam poking out of my pocket.
Still, I don't want Mr. Archibald looking at my pockets. He's even more weasely than Richard Dreyfuss.
In other news, my dad designed his own personal logo shaped like a dragon fly. I told him it was gay and should abandon it immediately. We are honest with things like that, dad and I.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught pouring melty cheese all over everyone in the broccoli cave.
Your Loving Mother,
BRITNEY SPEARS JOKE!
No comments:
Post a Comment