I was invited to watch the taping of a new MTV5 program for bands in which all the members are total douchebag 40 something types who never even came close to making it but still cling to the dream like a dingleberry on a sheep dogs butt.
I shouldn't have been surprised when the lead singer of the opening act was the lead singer of my old band from Provo. But I was surprised, not because he was a dingleberry on a sheep dogs butt, but because he wasn't fat and bald anymore, instead he was a fairly in shape Mexican dood who seemed delighted to see me there off in the wings, like I came to see HIM.
"Ha, there's merkley, standin in the wings while I'm up here in the spotlight. Boy I'm sure showin him up. Who's the man NOW huh merkley???" He thought in his head.
"Holy shit, it's bad enough that you accepted the offer to be on a show mocking your very type but the fact that you got spray tanned and had lipo is down right SAD" I thought in my head.
Then we both gave both gave a thumbs up nod to each other.
After the show I pitched my idea for a new reality based game show set in an african village in which overweight american celebrity contestants pick one of 25 numbered gunny sacks held by famine stricken african aids victims, one of which contains an egg salad sandwich, the rest contain anything ranging from a cup of rice to monkey droppings, to a handful of dirt. The fat celebrity contestant gambles away all the other gunnysacks hoping the town's only sandwich is in the one he chose. The famine aids people get to fight over the contents of every gunnysack he gambles away so they are all bad vibing him to not get the sandwich. It's hosted by Richard Simmons. It's kinda like Survivor meets biggest loser meets Howie Mandell and it's called Meal or No Meal.
Bono will sing the theme song.
Of course they offered a contract on the spot so long as the famine stricken aids victims I end up casting are also HOT.
That's fair.
Of course before I signed, I made my way down to the mail room to fed ex the agreement to my lawyer and who do you think was down there holdin court? None other than my old lead singer. It seems he took the phrase "working your way up from the mail room" a little too literally.
Anyway, seems he was in charge down there.
I stood there for a second waiting for my old friend the mail room boss to assert his way out of one of his co-worker's never ending drones so I could fed ex my multi million dollar TV show deal to Jerry Spence. From experience I knew assertion would never ever happen in one billion years. There is a good reason he was workin the mail room. No offense to mail room people.
"Hey boss man pal, how bout growin some nutts and asserting yourself out of the most boring story ever told and mailing my package?" I tossed my envelope and he fumbly caught it."
"Fuck, merkley wasn't supposed to see me in the mail room." He thought.
Then I went and had a sandwich and thought about how awesome my show is gonna be.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught NOT saving african villages by NOT bringing water bottley hollywood people to town.
Your Humane Ambassador To Everywhere,
Extreme Makeover African Village Edition
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