There was a photo contest down by the loading docks. I generally turn my nose up at such nuttsacky behavior but people were jeering me on to enter. this wasn't any photo contest, this photo contest had actual merit, like as a sport, the idea was that whoever was most entertaining while making a photo would win. Well i needn't tell you that I basically had this one in the bag, I couldda won this thing with both beards tied behind my back.
Anyway, I naturally set up near the aquarium where the giant squid was begging to have his tentacles photographed doing all kinds of horny stuff to the electric eel. trouble was that my flash was reflecting off the glass, plus lots of people started crowding around hoping somebody would take off their clothes. I left my fly unzipped just so they wouldn't be all disappointed.
After a few shots my flash ran out of batteries and some young fella watching said:
"No prob dooood, you got an electric eel right there."
I i got up and walked over to the young man and grabbed him by the face, did some semi-violent squishing, you know, like "ah how cute" but really I was trying to crush his face bones for being loudly not funny. Then I loud whispered in his ear:
"Go get me an ice cream cone or I will kill your whole family.... just kidding, Still, go get me an ice cream."
Then he ran off and brought me back a slurpee which wasn't what I ordered so I gave him the look that only a badger gives to a mouse when the mouse brings back a lime soda instead of badger food. You know the look.
Next the crowd all tried to group pressure me into taking pictures of everyone on a giant sofa. I considered asking everyone to take off their clothes and maybe doing it but then I was over come with a tidal wave of FUCKYOUNESS and said:
Why don't you all instead cram pickles up your rears and I'll call the TV NEWS!!"
BTW I hate it when I accidentally say up your rears because it sounds like I am saying up your EARS because you can't just stop an R dead in it's tracks and then I end up not making any sense at all, that is until I inevitably envision an ear shaped butthole, which leads to the vision of a poop coming out of an ear or someone screaming into a butthole and then I get stuck in HEY, WRONG HOLE!!-VILLE for a half an hour.
Can Punctuation go in the middle of a hyphenated word?
Yes it can.
Anyway, I'm sure by now you have guessed that I bailed on the photo contest and instead went out to the coast and looked at all the skyscrapers poking out over the horizon in all the distant lands across the ocean. I have 20/20 vision you know.
"Huge sofa", I shouldda lit all them dicks on fire.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught trying to give a one handed indian burn to your thing.
Your First REAL Lover That You Actually Loved Back,
Father O'Flannery
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