Went back and visited my Dad's old house. It has a basement built for midgets or other basement dwelling type animals. I couldn't even stand up in there as a kid. Good for naps though. Or growing mildew.
Yum.
I ran into a super freckled girl who knew me from my modeling days. Yeah, I used to be a model, well according to her anyway, I wasn't about to argue with a freckled girl, she has it hard enough already. Besides, I COULD have been a model, -- you know, had I been smarter.
Speaking of which, there aren't a lot of grandmothers with Down's Syndrome.
Don't go planning any big events that require more than say ONE Down's Syndrome Granny. Even if you do a count down they won't show up.
They are THAT rare.
I figured out how to take a nap on my motorcycle while driving. Now everyone wants me to teach them. Even Madonna was acting all ass kissy. What do I mean EVEN? She is such an idiot. Poser cling-on copycat.
My sister and I discovered a weird little talent we share in common. She can sing songs with lyrics right out of my head. It has to be lyrics made up on the spot and she has to sing them out loud and at full volume or it won't work. Makes it kind of a hard special power to use for evil, I mean besides just the basic bothering of people which at that point would be just an extension of my usual super power. Try it with your little sister and tell me if it works. Thanks.
Back to the naps on motorcycles. A big cop dyke was fiddling with my motorcycle like it had a vagina, I was a girl and she was some gross mustache dude who thought it would turn me on.
She probably just needs friends.
Point is:
Models are Smart.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught thinking about cop dyke genitalia.
Your Reigning Miss Cop Dyke 2003,
Bruce Jenner
September 16, 2008
September 14, 2008
I Don't Drink In Your Butthole So Please Don't Crap In My Glass, Diversionary Portugués Hot Dogology & Til Death Do Us SPAZZ
I got the dirtiest glass on earth at the restaurant last night. I think a hobo goldfish lived in it for one thousand years.
Dirty glasses are a delicacy in some counties you know.
Yes I said COUNTIES.
I looked at a friends photography portfolio and tried to stay positive but it was really really hard. Especially because deep down inside, behind this egotistical facade, I'm actually a total dick.
My step dad, one of his pals and I, are building quonset huts and redesigning some of the playgrounds on Mormon temple grounds from hither to thither. The security guards give us shit because we don't have clearance to even be on the temple grounds let alone to be building crappy Hawaiian ghetto playgrounds out of overgrown tin cans on the sacred grass.
Luckily the guards are Brazilian so I trick them by speaking portuguese and feeding them hot dogs.
ALERT!
ALL BIOLOGICALLY BASED SECURITY METHODS ARE EASILY DEFEATED BY HOT DOG!
Speaking of which, I went to Alaska to scout film locations, you know, Ice Road Trucker style, gotta stay current. I'll probably make a film about ice road truckers since really that's all TV stations broadcast now.
I'm talking about HD cable. DUH.
Oh yeah, I panicked the fuck out all day yesterday because I thought I accidentally drunkenly asked this girl I've been following around to marry me. Luckily it was just a dream, including the panicking part. There were minor residual awake panic aftershocks for 57 minutes but they were pretty mild because I knew I hadn't been to Jamaica recently.
Point is:
Marriage is for fags.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught crapping out your half digested tongue when friends ask you to rate their shit.
Your Giganticest Douche Ever,
Matthew McConaughey
Dirty glasses are a delicacy in some counties you know.
Yes I said COUNTIES.
I looked at a friends photography portfolio and tried to stay positive but it was really really hard. Especially because deep down inside, behind this egotistical facade, I'm actually a total dick.
My step dad, one of his pals and I, are building quonset huts and redesigning some of the playgrounds on Mormon temple grounds from hither to thither. The security guards give us shit because we don't have clearance to even be on the temple grounds let alone to be building crappy Hawaiian ghetto playgrounds out of overgrown tin cans on the sacred grass.
Luckily the guards are Brazilian so I trick them by speaking portuguese and feeding them hot dogs.
ALERT!
ALL BIOLOGICALLY BASED SECURITY METHODS ARE EASILY DEFEATED BY HOT DOG!
Speaking of which, I went to Alaska to scout film locations, you know, Ice Road Trucker style, gotta stay current. I'll probably make a film about ice road truckers since really that's all TV stations broadcast now.
I'm talking about HD cable. DUH.
Oh yeah, I panicked the fuck out all day yesterday because I thought I accidentally drunkenly asked this girl I've been following around to marry me. Luckily it was just a dream, including the panicking part. There were minor residual awake panic aftershocks for 57 minutes but they were pretty mild because I knew I hadn't been to Jamaica recently.
Point is:
Marriage is for fags.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught crapping out your half digested tongue when friends ask you to rate their shit.
Your Giganticest Douche Ever,
Matthew McConaughey
September 08, 2008
Sporty Silverspoonery on the Golf Course, Arty Silverspoonery in The Ghetto & E True Hollywood Silverspoonery on Melrose
I tagged along with a friend of mine on a golf outing. I don't like golfing. Too many silverspooners engaging in too much silverspoonery plorping out entire salad bars of silverspoonerisms with every jaw clop.
So yeah, I didn't have fun until I crashed his old Buick through his neighbors front door.
Incidentally, jackassery is a close relative and often a direct result of mega-silverspoonery.
Myself, well I'm a woodenspooner, as in born with a wooden spoon on my ass.
Speaking of child abuse, we went to a ghetto art gallery where everything was made out of stolen spray paint by knapsacky white skateboarder kids.
MORE SILVERSPOONERY!
Anyway, after that we drove down Melrose and I spotted Brad and Angelina shopping for new kids to match their new sofa. Luckily, in Hollywood, they now sell third world kids right there on Melrose.
Point being:
Adoption is The New Anitquing.
The Third World is The New Thrift Store.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught opting for woodenspooner over plasticspooner because plasticspooner would be what a silverspooner would say.
Your Top Resenter of Unwarranted and Ignernt Insinuations,
Howard Juno
So yeah, I didn't have fun until I crashed his old Buick through his neighbors front door.
Incidentally, jackassery is a close relative and often a direct result of mega-silverspoonery.
Myself, well I'm a woodenspooner, as in born with a wooden spoon on my ass.
Speaking of child abuse, we went to a ghetto art gallery where everything was made out of stolen spray paint by knapsacky white skateboarder kids.
MORE SILVERSPOONERY!
Anyway, after that we drove down Melrose and I spotted Brad and Angelina shopping for new kids to match their new sofa. Luckily, in Hollywood, they now sell third world kids right there on Melrose.
Point being:
Adoption is The New Anitquing.
The Third World is The New Thrift Store.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught opting for woodenspooner over plasticspooner because plasticspooner would be what a silverspooner would say.
Your Top Resenter of Unwarranted and Ignernt Insinuations,
Howard Juno
September 07, 2008
Prince Gettin All Alex Hailey N'Shit, The Endzone Hijinx Total Fuck Up Embarrassment & Crowd Please on My Nuttsack Niggaz!
Prince had a surprise show at a local high school yesterday. The biggest surprise was that hardly anybody showed up, and those that did, didn't even realize it was Prince. He had corn rows and was about three shades darker than normal. It would have been easy to mistake him for Coolio if you weren't a super fan like me.
Anyway, he seemed all too happy to serenade me at the edge of the stage because I was the only one who seemed to give a shit.
It was pretty gay.
Later on I was playing football with a bunch of strangers. I made a touchdown and failed miserably at a celebratory
back flip.
It was pretty gay.
Way earlier, before my date with Prince, I stepped in as the lead singer for a really famous band who happen to be good friends of mine. As usual I failed to prepare, thinking my genius was such that I could just wing it and get standing ovations from here to Idaho.
But I really really sucked --
LIKE SUH-HUH-HUCKEDUH.
The crowd hated me, the band hated me, the security guards hated me, the air hated me, my hair hated me, a pear hated me, a bear hated me, cher hated me, Nelson Mandela hated me.
So I said a bunch of racist shit and left.
It was pretty cool.
I ended up at an all keyboard jam session in the basement of my friend's high end design store.
It was SUPER gay.
Point being:
Prince seems like a bottom.
That's all for now,
Don't get caught failing to be funny imitating Phish with a Casio pocket keyboard.
Your Tri-State Backwards Somersault Queen First Runner Up
Princess Scabby Scalp McGee (& the Revolution)
Anyway, he seemed all too happy to serenade me at the edge of the stage because I was the only one who seemed to give a shit.
It was pretty gay.
Later on I was playing football with a bunch of strangers. I made a touchdown and failed miserably at a celebratory
back flip.
It was pretty gay.
Way earlier, before my date with Prince, I stepped in as the lead singer for a really famous band who happen to be good friends of mine. As usual I failed to prepare, thinking my genius was such that I could just wing it and get standing ovations from here to Idaho.
But I really really sucked --
LIKE SUH-HUH-HUCKEDUH.
The crowd hated me, the band hated me, the security guards hated me, the air hated me, my hair hated me, a pear hated me, a bear hated me, cher hated me, Nelson Mandela hated me.
So I said a bunch of racist shit and left.
It was pretty cool.
I ended up at an all keyboard jam session in the basement of my friend's high end design store.
It was SUPER gay.
Point being:
Prince seems like a bottom.
That's all for now,
Don't get caught failing to be funny imitating Phish with a Casio pocket keyboard.
Your Tri-State Backwards Somersault Queen First Runner Up
Princess Scabby Scalp McGee (& the Revolution)
September 05, 2008
How To Get The Family Dog To Like YOU Best, Charmin's Nub Flapping Play by Play & The Grip Buttery Slaughter of Blob Zombie
I have a step brother who used to jack off Junior, the family dog. I have written about him before, we all wondered why he was Junior's favorite when nobody else really liked him. He did it by regularly giving Junior hand jobs, yeah, he masturbated the dog.
Lucky dog.
My mom apparently caught him.
Lucky her.
I have no idea why she felt like she had to tell me. TMI.
Anyway, here's the story, that very same step brother was born with wing type wiggly appendages growing out of his back but, thinking they were useless and umbelically lookin, the doctors clipped them off when he was a baby.
He tells everyone he meets about his wingy DNA and often demonstrates his nub flapping capabilities.
Yesterday I caught him mid demo so I joined in as his play by play announcer.
I filled my mouth with toilet paper as to sound extra toilet papery.
Ok.
So:
The main thing I hate about this new resurgence in "zombie culture" is that it really shows a tremendous lack of sensitivity to those of us who have to deal with ACTUAL zombies, not to mention, ultimately, the zombies themselves. If you think it's hard to blow off an undead's head with a shot gun, try doing it when the zombie has a look of hope in his eyes for the first time ever, like you're approaching him for an autograph or something.
Don't exploit zombosity.
It's mean to both the zombies AND those who have to re-dead them.
Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to tell you, what I wanted to say was that I re-murdered the holy heck out of a really really fat zombie last night.
There aren't a lot of really fat zombies. FACT.
Also, dead fat is basically butter mixed with mayo, super duper splattery and messy, slippery yet also strangely grippy, like gummi worms or that sticky goo they sell to hang posters.
So yeah, Blob Zombie totally had that look of hope in his eyes. Not an easy re-kill for sure.
Point is:
There is no such thing as a useless appendage.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught dog whispering all breathy and steamy like.
Your Favorite Kernels of Corn,
John McCain's Teeth
Lucky dog.
My mom apparently caught him.
Lucky her.
I have no idea why she felt like she had to tell me. TMI.
Anyway, here's the story, that very same step brother was born with wing type wiggly appendages growing out of his back but, thinking they were useless and umbelically lookin, the doctors clipped them off when he was a baby.
He tells everyone he meets about his wingy DNA and often demonstrates his nub flapping capabilities.
Yesterday I caught him mid demo so I joined in as his play by play announcer.
I filled my mouth with toilet paper as to sound extra toilet papery.
Ok.
So:
The main thing I hate about this new resurgence in "zombie culture" is that it really shows a tremendous lack of sensitivity to those of us who have to deal with ACTUAL zombies, not to mention, ultimately, the zombies themselves. If you think it's hard to blow off an undead's head with a shot gun, try doing it when the zombie has a look of hope in his eyes for the first time ever, like you're approaching him for an autograph or something.
Don't exploit zombosity.
It's mean to both the zombies AND those who have to re-dead them.
Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to tell you, what I wanted to say was that I re-murdered the holy heck out of a really really fat zombie last night.
There aren't a lot of really fat zombies. FACT.
Also, dead fat is basically butter mixed with mayo, super duper splattery and messy, slippery yet also strangely grippy, like gummi worms or that sticky goo they sell to hang posters.
So yeah, Blob Zombie totally had that look of hope in his eyes. Not an easy re-kill for sure.
Point is:
There is no such thing as a useless appendage.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught dog whispering all breathy and steamy like.
Your Favorite Kernels of Corn,
John McCain's Teeth
September 04, 2008
Peeping Will Ferrell Sniffs The Christmas Tree, The Pastrami Pants Kid & The Backwards Dental Piano™
Went to New York for a minute. An old girlfriend works at SNL so we did pornish type things on the set when nobody was around. I think Will Ferrell might have seen us but he pretended like he didn't.
He pretended he was smelling the Christmas tree.
When I went shopping a little later someone let all the kangaroos loose which of course woke up all the napping children. Kangaroos are just giant rats you know. Same with some kids. I don't think malls should be keeping so many caged kangaroos anyway cuz this sort of think is bound to happen. Kangaroos gotta bounce man.
Fuckin Australians.
Speaking of napping & kids, my friend blatantly lied about a dead dog to his kid, telling him that the dog wasn't dead when it clearly wasn't "just napping".
Hi guts all over the place.
A little later I found out my friend had also been lying to the whole world about his kid being a boy when, as I accidentally and quite unfortunately found out at the swimming pool, he is clearly a girl. Ok not CLEARLY, but a very bad mannered little hermie nonetheless. I'll spare yalls deets but my brain is scarred with the images of whatever weird genitalia that kid had fluttering out of his/her swimming trunks.
Anyway, no more pastrami for me thanks.
On the other side of the pool kids were swimmoshing to Green Day and the Teletubbies who have apparently made an album together and are now on tour. I have to admit, as much as I don't like Green Day, the Teletubbies added a much needed twist to their schtick.
Nearly tolerable -- NEARLY.
Of course as soon as they spotted me they forced me to join them as a guest keyboardist on stage for a song or two. Somehow they managed to have my Backwards Dental Piano™ flown in just for the show.
The Backwards Dental Piano™ btw, is exactly what you might imagine, unless of course you aren't imagining loose wiggly bloody backwards teeth instead of keys.
What the fuck were you imagining anyway?
Point is: ultimately I had a cranberry jelly and mustard sandwich for dinner because Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I like mustard.
Summary:
Kids are perverts.
That's all for now,
Don't get caught pigeonholing every elf in sight.
Your Legumlican National Convention Key Note Speaker,
Hominy The Nominee
He pretended he was smelling the Christmas tree.
When I went shopping a little later someone let all the kangaroos loose which of course woke up all the napping children. Kangaroos are just giant rats you know. Same with some kids. I don't think malls should be keeping so many caged kangaroos anyway cuz this sort of think is bound to happen. Kangaroos gotta bounce man.
Fuckin Australians.
Speaking of napping & kids, my friend blatantly lied about a dead dog to his kid, telling him that the dog wasn't dead when it clearly wasn't "just napping".
Hi guts all over the place.
A little later I found out my friend had also been lying to the whole world about his kid being a boy when, as I accidentally and quite unfortunately found out at the swimming pool, he is clearly a girl. Ok not CLEARLY, but a very bad mannered little hermie nonetheless. I'll spare yalls deets but my brain is scarred with the images of whatever weird genitalia that kid had fluttering out of his/her swimming trunks.
Anyway, no more pastrami for me thanks.
On the other side of the pool kids were swimmoshing to Green Day and the Teletubbies who have apparently made an album together and are now on tour. I have to admit, as much as I don't like Green Day, the Teletubbies added a much needed twist to their schtick.
Nearly tolerable -- NEARLY.
Of course as soon as they spotted me they forced me to join them as a guest keyboardist on stage for a song or two. Somehow they managed to have my Backwards Dental Piano™ flown in just for the show.
The Backwards Dental Piano™ btw, is exactly what you might imagine, unless of course you aren't imagining loose wiggly bloody backwards teeth instead of keys.
What the fuck were you imagining anyway?
Point is: ultimately I had a cranberry jelly and mustard sandwich for dinner because Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I like mustard.
Summary:
Kids are perverts.
That's all for now,
Don't get caught pigeonholing every elf in sight.
Your Legumlican National Convention Key Note Speaker,
Hominy The Nominee
August 21, 2008
Price Tags For Sale, My Spaghetti Eating Former Roommate Zombie Kayaker & The Matinee Where Happy Clowns Get Sad
I took a trip to Big Ham City. I t wasn't fun, don't look it up and don't go there. It's just a bunch of bad actors acting badly.
Stupid fucking name for a city too.
------------------
I watched an Office Depot employee put a price tag on a price tag.
------------------
I visited an old roommate of mine who is married to the biggest blogger in the universe. I slept on the couch and he sacred the fuck out of me when his sleeping disorder kicked in and caused him to mime a bunch of stuff up on the coffee table.
From what I could tell, I think he was dream eating spaghetti and maybe kayaking.
Sleepwalkers are basically zombies.
His wife, while sometimes tolerable on her blog, (if you like excuses/jokes about depression and the exploitation of offspring and pets (which of course I sometimes do)) wasn't so charming in true life. She couldda been the mayor of the aforementioned avoid worthy pork centric city.
------------------
I went to an early matinee.
Nobody told me that's when the folk singing clowns go see movies.
Actual real clowns with floppy shoes and honking stuff.
They nearly wrecked the movie till I gave them the what for.
I yelled really loudly for a really long time at those clowns.
A lot of rage I didn't even know I had came flooding out.
It felt good.
Summary:
Clown Abuse = Honky Catharsis
That's all for now.
Don't get caught getting all mixed up in clown pity.
Your Number One Most Popular Alternative Vietnamese Clown Nose Placement Location,
Your Dong Tip Duh
Stupid fucking name for a city too.
------------------
I watched an Office Depot employee put a price tag on a price tag.
------------------
I visited an old roommate of mine who is married to the biggest blogger in the universe. I slept on the couch and he sacred the fuck out of me when his sleeping disorder kicked in and caused him to mime a bunch of stuff up on the coffee table.
From what I could tell, I think he was dream eating spaghetti and maybe kayaking.
Sleepwalkers are basically zombies.
His wife, while sometimes tolerable on her blog, (if you like excuses/jokes about depression and the exploitation of offspring and pets (which of course I sometimes do)) wasn't so charming in true life. She couldda been the mayor of the aforementioned avoid worthy pork centric city.
------------------
I went to an early matinee.
Nobody told me that's when the folk singing clowns go see movies.
Actual real clowns with floppy shoes and honking stuff.
They nearly wrecked the movie till I gave them the what for.
I yelled really loudly for a really long time at those clowns.
A lot of rage I didn't even know I had came flooding out.
It felt good.
Summary:
Clown Abuse = Honky Catharsis
That's all for now.
Don't get caught getting all mixed up in clown pity.
Your Number One Most Popular Alternative Vietnamese Clown Nose Placement Location,
Your Dong Tip Duh
August 20, 2008
Guess Who's Coming For Dinner, Obama's Amputated ARMy & Water Droplet Tech is Mostly Boob Driven
I got married to one of the girls in my book. Don't worry though ladies and gays, it was a sham marriage purely designed to anger her parents.
I'm not insane.
I was busted eavesdropping on a conversation Obama was having with one of his associates by a rolling pin bearing homeless woman amputee who came scooting along on her little homeless amputee slab. at first I felt that hand in a candy jar feeling but then I thought:
"She can only use one hand for scooting, how fast can she be."
I threatened her.
Anyway, apparently one armed scootering is the same as being in a boat with only one oar, as long as one switches sides every couple of paddles...
Point is, Obama's supporters are handiCAPABLE for sure.
Speaking of Obama supporters, a white guilt rockstar friend of mine just spent a billion dollars building a new mansion.
He showed me around.
"Dude, why are all the stairways slanted hard to the left? Seems really dangerous, especially with no handrails."
"Well, the more dangerous the task, the more care is taken."
"Are you saying people are less likely to fall down the stairs if they are forced to pay attention?"
"Basically yeah, also people can't sue you if your house is obviously a FUN house. Injuries are a big part of the FUN."
"And you are voting for Obama?"
"Yeah."
Sometimes people don't even realize they have turned into a republican.
So sad.
Not sad that they have turned republican, sad that they don't know it.
ALSO, years ago I invented a shower head that disperses timed droplets in such a fashion that with a little strobing of the lights, a three dimensional image, made entirely of droplets, appears in the shower with full movement and everything, just like a hologram or a water droplet puppet. Well, my friend had one made and installed. His chosen moving 3D water droplet image was a girl playing with her boobs.
Big surprise there.
Summary:
Marriage is Best Used for Spite.
White Guilt is The Reddest of Herrings
That's all for now.
Don't get caught mythbusting your balls,
Your 5th and 28th favorite fucked up stiff appendages,
John McCain's Arms
I'm not insane.
I was busted eavesdropping on a conversation Obama was having with one of his associates by a rolling pin bearing homeless woman amputee who came scooting along on her little homeless amputee slab. at first I felt that hand in a candy jar feeling but then I thought:
"She can only use one hand for scooting, how fast can she be."
I threatened her.
Anyway, apparently one armed scootering is the same as being in a boat with only one oar, as long as one switches sides every couple of paddles...
Point is, Obama's supporters are handiCAPABLE for sure.
Speaking of Obama supporters, a white guilt rockstar friend of mine just spent a billion dollars building a new mansion.
He showed me around.
"Dude, why are all the stairways slanted hard to the left? Seems really dangerous, especially with no handrails."
"Well, the more dangerous the task, the more care is taken."
"Are you saying people are less likely to fall down the stairs if they are forced to pay attention?"
"Basically yeah, also people can't sue you if your house is obviously a FUN house. Injuries are a big part of the FUN."
"And you are voting for Obama?"
"Yeah."
Sometimes people don't even realize they have turned into a republican.
So sad.
Not sad that they have turned republican, sad that they don't know it.
ALSO, years ago I invented a shower head that disperses timed droplets in such a fashion that with a little strobing of the lights, a three dimensional image, made entirely of droplets, appears in the shower with full movement and everything, just like a hologram or a water droplet puppet. Well, my friend had one made and installed. His chosen moving 3D water droplet image was a girl playing with her boobs.
Big surprise there.
Summary:
Marriage is Best Used for Spite.
White Guilt is The Reddest of Herrings
That's all for now.
Don't get caught mythbusting your balls,
Your 5th and 28th favorite fucked up stiff appendages,
John McCain's Arms
August 19, 2008
If Nobody Buys My Soul I'm Throwing It Out, Lounge and Grow Rich & Goths Do Laundry Too
I'm not so sure where one goes to sell one's soul, but even if I did, I'm really probably too lazy to make the trip.
Plus, it would probably require some negotiation and a meeting or two and Santa knows how much I hate meetings and sales pitches.
I don't even know how to get my soul out to part ways in the first place.
I tried to breathe it out but I don't think it worked.
Souls are dumb.
I needed some change to do the laundry so I went digging through the cushions but all I found were dollar bills.
LOTS of dollar bills.
Since when do cushions suck out dollar bills?
Anyway, I'm looking into it. Don't be surprised if you see me at the cushion patent office once I get some answers.
Also, I got swindled into playing keyboards for Trent Reznor's new band. He is tan and muscular now.
HOLY SHIT I HATE TRENT REZNOR.
I am cursed with a sense of hospitality and accommodation.
I made the best of it, I climbed up on his big tower in the middle of the stage and did laundry as I threw a goth rock tantrum tipping over boxes of detergent and piles of folded clothing.
The rest of the stage was decorated like an upside down theater with a giant bouquet of roses shaped like satan's head.
Oh the rebellion.
Summary:
I'd put my soul out on the curb if I thought someone would take it.
It's not stealing if the thief is a cushion.
Tan + Muscles = NOT GOTH
That's all for now.
Don't get caught slamming the dryer closed for cheap applause.
Your Favorite Shape For a Floral Arrangement,
A Turd
Plus, it would probably require some negotiation and a meeting or two and Santa knows how much I hate meetings and sales pitches.
I don't even know how to get my soul out to part ways in the first place.
I tried to breathe it out but I don't think it worked.
Souls are dumb.
I needed some change to do the laundry so I went digging through the cushions but all I found were dollar bills.
LOTS of dollar bills.
Since when do cushions suck out dollar bills?
Anyway, I'm looking into it. Don't be surprised if you see me at the cushion patent office once I get some answers.
Also, I got swindled into playing keyboards for Trent Reznor's new band. He is tan and muscular now.
HOLY SHIT I HATE TRENT REZNOR.
I am cursed with a sense of hospitality and accommodation.
I made the best of it, I climbed up on his big tower in the middle of the stage and did laundry as I threw a goth rock tantrum tipping over boxes of detergent and piles of folded clothing.
The rest of the stage was decorated like an upside down theater with a giant bouquet of roses shaped like satan's head.
Oh the rebellion.
Summary:
I'd put my soul out on the curb if I thought someone would take it.
It's not stealing if the thief is a cushion.
Tan + Muscles = NOT GOTH
That's all for now.
Don't get caught slamming the dryer closed for cheap applause.
Your Favorite Shape For a Floral Arrangement,
A Turd
August 06, 2008
Polished Dolphins Make Lazy Seamen, School is For Dummies & Be Careful What You Horrify For Cuz Your Ball Just Might Be It
Notwithstanding the fact that I'm decidedly land based, I made a big floating contraption out of a super comfortable big white La-Z-Boy recliner and rocked that shit all up and down the coastline.
You might think that merely using my hands to paddle would make for a sludgy float, but that's only because you have never seen my webbed fingers nor have you ever seen me point my feet into the exact same shape as a shiny dolphin.
Anyway, carrying the chair all over town SUCKED, I shouldda included wheels and a flock of poodles to drag me home.
And guess what, I finally dropped out of high school and I'm not gonna go to college either.
I'm 41
Speaking of which, one of the girls from my 111??? book was acting bitchy yesterday. She thinks she is pretty hot shit because she has this huge collection of Charles Shultz crap.
An adult collecting toys is about as cute as a diaper collecting poop.
Later on I noticed that my left ball was nubbing out of my pocket as I told a story about a dude in my neighborhood growing up who's chubbed up ding dong could ALWAYS be seen flopping round through the holes in his corduroys.
Ew.
His name was Mayne Wargetts and as legend has it was known to hump sheep. FOR REALS. I hope he googles himself and finds this.
Don't say I never ironic unwelcome ball sighting anecdoted you.
Summary:
Polished dolphins make lazy seamen.
School is for dummies.
Be careful what you horrify for cuz your ball just might be it.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught swapping the M and the W as to not get Google sued by a gross molestoid.
Your Favorite Conjugation Relating To Internet Lawsuits,
Soogled™
You might think that merely using my hands to paddle would make for a sludgy float, but that's only because you have never seen my webbed fingers nor have you ever seen me point my feet into the exact same shape as a shiny dolphin.
Anyway, carrying the chair all over town SUCKED, I shouldda included wheels and a flock of poodles to drag me home.
And guess what, I finally dropped out of high school and I'm not gonna go to college either.
I'm 41
Speaking of which, one of the girls from my 111??? book was acting bitchy yesterday. She thinks she is pretty hot shit because she has this huge collection of Charles Shultz crap.
An adult collecting toys is about as cute as a diaper collecting poop.
Later on I noticed that my left ball was nubbing out of my pocket as I told a story about a dude in my neighborhood growing up who's chubbed up ding dong could ALWAYS be seen flopping round through the holes in his corduroys.
Ew.
His name was Mayne Wargetts and as legend has it was known to hump sheep. FOR REALS. I hope he googles himself and finds this.
Don't say I never ironic unwelcome ball sighting anecdoted you.
Summary:
Polished dolphins make lazy seamen.
School is for dummies.
Be careful what you horrify for cuz your ball just might be it.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught swapping the M and the W as to not get Google sued by a gross molestoid.
Your Favorite Conjugation Relating To Internet Lawsuits,
Soogled™
July 21, 2008
I Call It The Urban WIENERtionary, Bi-Race War 2008 & Donald Trump Beats The Shit Out Of a Bald Guy Post Quake
I met a girl with gray pigment, she seriously looked like she was snipped from a black and white photo completely gray, cold gray even.
She was acting like she was black, waving her finger around, doing that neck thing, talking shit about Obama like she was an insider etc...
I call that "blacting" which I made up but I'll google right now to see how many other people made it up too.
Turns out millions of people made it up before me.
Doesn't mean I'm not original.
Anyway, the girl wasn't even black, she was GRAY.
She shouldda been acting like a vampire or industrial carpet.
I wasn't the only one that was annoyed, there was an albino, who, had she not been albino, would have been black, that was rolling her pink eyes the whole time.
And of course there was a black girl that was annoyed that the albino girl was acting white.
I like to act chinese or mexican when I take my racial vacations, that's why I'm original.
I hate Madonna.
When the earthquake struck I instantly remembered my training and stood next to a big huge pillar while I scoped out a place that would provide me a nice little triangle spot in the event that the building came down. I ended up laying on the floor next to a big log. If you don't know about the triangle method of earthquake sheltering, look it up, most people don't know about it and it's the best way to save your own life.
Minutes later, in all the rubble, I spotted Donald Trump beating the shit out of a little old bald man wearing pink rubber rescue boots.
I didn't stop to investigate.
Summary:
Blacting is so touristy.
A comb-over is the most delicate of all hair triggers.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught hypnotizing the ghetto.
Your Favorite Wig,
Refried Beans
She was acting like she was black, waving her finger around, doing that neck thing, talking shit about Obama like she was an insider etc...
I call that "blacting" which I made up but I'll google right now to see how many other people made it up too.
Turns out millions of people made it up before me.
Doesn't mean I'm not original.
Anyway, the girl wasn't even black, she was GRAY.
She shouldda been acting like a vampire or industrial carpet.
I wasn't the only one that was annoyed, there was an albino, who, had she not been albino, would have been black, that was rolling her pink eyes the whole time.
And of course there was a black girl that was annoyed that the albino girl was acting white.
I like to act chinese or mexican when I take my racial vacations, that's why I'm original.
I hate Madonna.
When the earthquake struck I instantly remembered my training and stood next to a big huge pillar while I scoped out a place that would provide me a nice little triangle spot in the event that the building came down. I ended up laying on the floor next to a big log. If you don't know about the triangle method of earthquake sheltering, look it up, most people don't know about it and it's the best way to save your own life.
Minutes later, in all the rubble, I spotted Donald Trump beating the shit out of a little old bald man wearing pink rubber rescue boots.
I didn't stop to investigate.
Summary:
Blacting is so touristy.
A comb-over is the most delicate of all hair triggers.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught hypnotizing the ghetto.
Your Favorite Wig,
Refried Beans
July 17, 2008
Step Dad Dykes, Cruising The Mall & Revenge Is Flavorless & Boring (Presented By Vegans & The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints :The Mormons
There is a certain type of dyke I call The Step Dad Dyke. The reason is obvious. They are shaped like my step dad, saggy pants, zero ass, beer belly, little chicken legs and pack of hot dogs neck.
You have seen them.
Perhaps one of them married your mom.
Anyway, I saw my step dad yesterday but everything had totally changed. He was lean and slender, not like he just lost a lot of weight from not eating, like he had been working out.
I looked around for a thigh master.
We went to the mall to buy birthday presents for my sister that I haven't seen in almost 15 years and he floated about flirting and charming customers from store to store with all kinds of new game.
Not like a ladies man, like a fag.
What would my mother think?
I stopped him right before he wandered into the ladies rest room. I don't know, maybe he was just not paying attention but I started to wonder if he had some sort of inner queen whispering out directives.
Then I wondered if maybe he was a lesbian, but that didn't make sense because now he looked less Ellen, more Anne Heche.
"Step Dad Fag" doesn't sound right.
Coincidentally, later in the day I came home to find a really fat friend of mine naked in my bed. She too had the step dad body, like a big toad.
She got up to take a pee and I was tempted to make a wart joke but decided to save it for the blog.
Later on in the evening I scheduled a special dinner for a friend that recently pissed me off. I assembled a group of preachy mormons and vegans as dinner guests.
The Mormons were in charge of beverages.
The vegans were in charge of the food.
The dinner was at his house so he couldn't leave.
Ah revenge.
Summary:
Dykes make excellent step dads.
Revenge is best served tepid (with Mormons and vegans)
That's all for now.
Don't get caught confusing step dad dykes with hamburger dykes.
Your Favorite Anti-Hamburger Step Dad Dyke Cologne,
Aqua Vulva
You have seen them.
Perhaps one of them married your mom.
Anyway, I saw my step dad yesterday but everything had totally changed. He was lean and slender, not like he just lost a lot of weight from not eating, like he had been working out.
I looked around for a thigh master.
We went to the mall to buy birthday presents for my sister that I haven't seen in almost 15 years and he floated about flirting and charming customers from store to store with all kinds of new game.
Not like a ladies man, like a fag.
What would my mother think?
I stopped him right before he wandered into the ladies rest room. I don't know, maybe he was just not paying attention but I started to wonder if he had some sort of inner queen whispering out directives.
Then I wondered if maybe he was a lesbian, but that didn't make sense because now he looked less Ellen, more Anne Heche.
"Step Dad Fag" doesn't sound right.
Coincidentally, later in the day I came home to find a really fat friend of mine naked in my bed. She too had the step dad body, like a big toad.
She got up to take a pee and I was tempted to make a wart joke but decided to save it for the blog.
Later on in the evening I scheduled a special dinner for a friend that recently pissed me off. I assembled a group of preachy mormons and vegans as dinner guests.
The Mormons were in charge of beverages.
The vegans were in charge of the food.
The dinner was at his house so he couldn't leave.
Ah revenge.
Summary:
Dykes make excellent step dads.
Revenge is best served tepid (with Mormons and vegans)
That's all for now.
Don't get caught confusing step dad dykes with hamburger dykes.
Your Favorite Anti-Hamburger Step Dad Dyke Cologne,
Aqua Vulva
July 09, 2008
Beloved By Big Bellied Babies, Unfazed By Undead Uncles & Blinded By Beaming Bifocals
I was hanging out with a bunch of fools yesterday and there was a baby in our midst.
The baby liked me best out of everyone.
IN YOUR FACE A-HOLES!
One of the fools was a weird old uncle fella who was sleeping in the closet which you'd think wouldn't make him tough competition really, but, he WAS at ground level and slobbery with a stink in his pants and you know what they say about birds of a feather...
and still the kid chose me.
Meanwhile, the Aunt was wearing really thick glasses that looked like headlights which sounds like just a nifty little way to describe big ugly old lady glasses except these things actually lit up and beamed just like headlights.
Still she couldn't find the light switch.
I couldn't figger out why she needed to.
I wanna get me some of them glasses.
Anyway, I gave the baby ice cream but only AFTER it liked me best.
I could see it gain weight right before my eyes, like filling up one of those pastry nozzle tube dealies with frosting.
I didn't stick around for the "decoration of the cake" if you know what I mean.
Summary:
Babies are peanut butter dispensers.
Old people are stretched out babies.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught metamorphoring into some kind of weird aerosol cheese craving.
Your Ambassador of Good Dill,
The Vlassic Stork
The baby liked me best out of everyone.
IN YOUR FACE A-HOLES!
One of the fools was a weird old uncle fella who was sleeping in the closet which you'd think wouldn't make him tough competition really, but, he WAS at ground level and slobbery with a stink in his pants and you know what they say about birds of a feather...
and still the kid chose me.
Meanwhile, the Aunt was wearing really thick glasses that looked like headlights which sounds like just a nifty little way to describe big ugly old lady glasses except these things actually lit up and beamed just like headlights.
Still she couldn't find the light switch.
I couldn't figger out why she needed to.
I wanna get me some of them glasses.
Anyway, I gave the baby ice cream but only AFTER it liked me best.
I could see it gain weight right before my eyes, like filling up one of those pastry nozzle tube dealies with frosting.
I didn't stick around for the "decoration of the cake" if you know what I mean.
Summary:
Babies are peanut butter dispensers.
Old people are stretched out babies.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught metamorphoring into some kind of weird aerosol cheese craving.
Your Ambassador of Good Dill,
The Vlassic Stork
July 02, 2008
My Visit To The HeadacheLand Artists In Residency Compound, My Hard Hitting SkinHead Exposé & Job Schmob Corn Cob
I visited an old friend of mine last weekend. He is an accomplished illustrator and consequently he has taken up residency at a log cabin ranch way out in the woods. They aren't regular log cabins as the logs are made out of metal and painted to look like wood, like trailers made to look like cabins. I could hardly see the point with so many real logs all over the place.
He was busy painting away, so not to be outdid, I drew a big intricate drawing of a tree with brand new buds forming on the branches all springtimey except the buds were all skinhead's heads.
I associate springtime with Hitler just like all of you guys.
Anyway, the skinheads were all buck toothed and cross eyed, which is totally funny cuz it's unexpected because skinheads are usually handsome geniuses with great vision.
The other residents of the fake cabin complex kept wild animals as pets and behaved in distinctly carnivalishy ways 24/7 which was way too burning man for me.
Hang out too long with artists in residency and you'll end up wearing the jester hat acting whimsical..
WHIMSICAL SUCKS.
ALWAYS.
I did however enjoy the wide smiled monkey dog created in the crossbreeding workshop.
Round about quittin time, the director of the compound put out the word that they were looking to hire more artists and my friend wasted more energy than needed trying to convince me to apply.
I was tempted for minus ten seconds.
Apparently he didn't remember the last time he vouched for me and got me an art job. I spent the most of the workday conducting personal business on the company phone or sleeping under my desk.
True story.
Summary:
Skinheads are like pussy willows minus the willows.
EmploYEe, not ME.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught making conceptual circumcision doodles of skinheads in high pink turtlenecks.
Your Race War Instigation Precinct Captain,
Charlie Brown
He was busy painting away, so not to be outdid, I drew a big intricate drawing of a tree with brand new buds forming on the branches all springtimey except the buds were all skinhead's heads.
I associate springtime with Hitler just like all of you guys.
Anyway, the skinheads were all buck toothed and cross eyed, which is totally funny cuz it's unexpected because skinheads are usually handsome geniuses with great vision.
The other residents of the fake cabin complex kept wild animals as pets and behaved in distinctly carnivalishy ways 24/7 which was way too burning man for me.
Hang out too long with artists in residency and you'll end up wearing the jester hat acting whimsical..
WHIMSICAL SUCKS.
ALWAYS.
I did however enjoy the wide smiled monkey dog created in the crossbreeding workshop.
Round about quittin time, the director of the compound put out the word that they were looking to hire more artists and my friend wasted more energy than needed trying to convince me to apply.
I was tempted for minus ten seconds.
Apparently he didn't remember the last time he vouched for me and got me an art job. I spent the most of the workday conducting personal business on the company phone or sleeping under my desk.
True story.
Summary:
Skinheads are like pussy willows minus the willows.
EmploYEe, not ME.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught making conceptual circumcision doodles of skinheads in high pink turtlenecks.
Your Race War Instigation Precinct Captain,
Charlie Brown
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