Went to New York for a minute. An old girlfriend works at SNL so we did pornish type things on the set when nobody was around. I think Will Ferrell might have seen us but he pretended like he didn't.
He pretended he was smelling the Christmas tree.
When I went shopping a little later someone let all the kangaroos loose which of course woke up all the napping children. Kangaroos are just giant rats you know. Same with some kids. I don't think malls should be keeping so many caged kangaroos anyway cuz this sort of think is bound to happen. Kangaroos gotta bounce man.
Fuckin Australians.
Speaking of napping & kids, my friend blatantly lied about a dead dog to his kid, telling him that the dog wasn't dead when it clearly wasn't "just napping".
Hi guts all over the place.
A little later I found out my friend had also been lying to the whole world about his kid being a boy when, as I accidentally and quite unfortunately found out at the swimming pool, he is clearly a girl. Ok not CLEARLY, but a very bad mannered little hermie nonetheless. I'll spare yalls deets but my brain is scarred with the images of whatever weird genitalia that kid had fluttering out of his/her swimming trunks.
Anyway, no more pastrami for me thanks.
On the other side of the pool kids were swimmoshing to Green Day and the Teletubbies who have apparently made an album together and are now on tour. I have to admit, as much as I don't like Green Day, the Teletubbies added a much needed twist to their schtick.
Nearly tolerable -- NEARLY.
Of course as soon as they spotted me they forced me to join them as a guest keyboardist on stage for a song or two. Somehow they managed to have my Backwards Dental Piano™ flown in just for the show.
The Backwards Dental Piano™ btw, is exactly what you might imagine, unless of course you aren't imagining loose wiggly bloody backwards teeth instead of keys.
What the fuck were you imagining anyway?
Point is: ultimately I had a cranberry jelly and mustard sandwich for dinner because Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I like mustard.
Summary:
Kids are perverts.
That's all for now,
Don't get caught pigeonholing every elf in sight.
Your Legumlican National Convention Key Note Speaker,
Hominy The Nominee
No comments:
Post a Comment