The Universal Serial [sic] Bus, Burning It Black With Bats n'Coons at The Strip Mall House & Mating With Natives in The Fine Print

The answer to the mass transit slash automobile slash energy sitch is OBVIOUSLY roadside USB charging stations. But while I'm totally for eating breakfast on the bus, I'm not so sure it needs to be "universal". The only way they are gonna get this plan off the ground is if they soften up the language. It should be IBC (International Breakfast Cruise) instead of USB (Universal Serial Bus).

I had a room in my house that was super long and skinny with a bunch of doors leading off of it into other rooms. It was pretty useless because it didn't really accommodate furniture well. Stupid idea for a room, I have seen them in other houses as well.

SPEAKING of which, my sister somehow convinced me that I needed to buy a new house in her neighborhood. I figured that because it was formerly an ugly strip mall, it would be cheap and I could just buy it with the proceeds of the sale of my own house. So I sold my house only to find that the new place was 2.5 million and I only sold my place for just over half of that.

NOW I'M MOVING INTO A STRIP MALL.

Not only that but the second they found out that I was the new owner, a bunch of animals tried to move in. Huge bats and raccoons mostly. At least they are night time animals, we'll at least be able to hang out.

I deliberately set parts of the house on fire to obtain a smoky flavor. Plus it's way more economical than black paint.

Oh yeah, at the escrow signing, for once, I actually decided to READ through all the documents. Turns out that in signing, I was also agreeing to "mate with many native women". I thought it sounded kinda racist and sexist which is sorta cool I suppose.

One last thing, be careful what you wish for, my new strip mall house doesn't have one of those long skinny rooms connecting the other rooms, now I have to go outside to go into the next room.

Point is:
You can't take off your pants in a strip mall.


That's all for now.
Don't get caught organizing a "Pee Though The Donut Contest" fundraiser in the former donut shop to raise money to make it the new bathroom.
Your Grandmother's Private Business,
John McCain's Neck