How To Get The Family Dog To Like YOU Best, Charmin's Nub Flapping Play by Play & The Grip Buttery Slaughter of Blob Zombie

I have a step brother who used to jack off Junior, the family dog. I have written about him before, we all wondered why he was Junior's favorite when nobody else really liked him. He did it by regularly giving Junior hand jobs, yeah, he masturbated the dog.

Lucky dog.

My mom apparently caught him.

Lucky her.

I have no idea why she felt like she had to tell me. TMI.

Anyway, here's the story, that very same step brother was born with wing type wiggly appendages growing out of his back but, thinking they were useless and umbelically lookin, the doctors clipped them off when he was a baby.

He tells everyone he meets about his wingy DNA and often demonstrates his nub flapping capabilities.

Yesterday I caught him mid demo so I joined in as his play by play announcer.

I filled my mouth with toilet paper as to sound extra toilet papery.

Ok.

So:

The main thing I hate about this new resurgence in "zombie culture" is that it really shows a tremendous lack of sensitivity to those of us who have to deal with ACTUAL zombies, not to mention, ultimately, the zombies themselves. If you think it's hard to blow off an undead's head with a shot gun, try doing it when the zombie has a look of hope in his eyes for the first time ever, like you're approaching him for an autograph or something.

Don't exploit zombosity.

It's mean to both the zombies AND those who have to re-dead them.

Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to tell you, what I wanted to say was that I re-murdered the holy heck out of a really really fat zombie last night.

There aren't a lot of really fat zombies. FACT.

Also, dead fat is basically butter mixed with mayo, super duper splattery and messy, slippery yet also strangely grippy, like gummi worms or that sticky goo they sell to hang posters.

So yeah, Blob Zombie totally had that look of hope in his eyes. Not an easy re-kill for sure.

Point is:
There is no such thing as a useless appendage.


That's all for now.
Don't get caught dog whispering all breathy and steamy like.
Your Favorite Kernels of Corn,
John McCain's Teeth