The Secret Behind Fiber Optic Stadium Door Bells, Conan's Cold Shoulder & Balloon Animals Hot Dog Steeze

I didn't really think of all the side effects of living in a stadium when I bought the place but there are many, and they're not all bad.

I don't live IN the stadium part of the stadium, that would be lame. I live, along with all my tenants, in the part underneath all the bleachers. If you have ever been back stage at a basketball game or a concert you know what I am talking about. It's basically a giant oval of connecting rooms with a hallway down the middle that makes for a great running track. The place is constantly running nuts with celebrities involved in all the events you'd expect. I basically know everyone.

Anyway, last night I was trying to re-wire my door bell. Whoever wired it the first time used fiber optic cable which was definitely overkill. I don't really know how to work with fiber optics and to tell you the truth I was a little transfixed with the blinking and glowing and whatnot. What I discovered however was that when I pulled on the cable, it opened a secret door directly into my next door neighbors apartment. They also happen to be my longest running tenants. That's almost ten years of mutual ignoresville.

When the secret door cracked open I could see that my "good friend" Conan O'Brien was filming a skit with them. I'll admit I was a little jealous with all the attention and cameras pointed NOT ON ME and such, but I was a gentleman about it. I just sat there throwing off WHAT ABOUT ME vibes until Conan and his crew were unwittingly lured into my place. Fucksville when my tenants followed along. They have never even been inside my apartment and suddenly, because CONAN was with them they felt like they could lay on my blue velvet bed, twirl my pillows and talk about my superior cable. That's not even funny. YUCK.

Fucking Conan was acting like he didn't even know me even though the day before yesterday he was my total best friend. Somebody musta been talking shit about me. Probably my tenants. My feelings were hurt.

So I ramped up the jokes and stole his thunder. Serves him right. Asshole.

Jim Carey showed up with the WORST plastic surgery I have ever seen. His eyes were so tight you could only see his pupils, just two little black dots on a smooth ball of flesh. his lips were basically inside out. He looked like a burn victim.

"The thing about plastic surgery" he said, "Is that you don't wanna over do it. It needs to be so subtle that no one knows you had anything done."

I realized he got the plastic surgery so he could do that joke. That's commitment.

I could see his beard growing. Little known side effect of plastic surgery - watchable beard growing.

Later I had sex with a really meaty girl I just met. Her hot pocket was trying to tie my slim jim in a knot. LITERALLY. That was a new sensation. I'd like to try that again.