I knew I fucking recognized that asshole.
Fucker sure did make it difficult for me to put it all together what with all the keeping his back to me as I jockeyed for a better view of his face and all. He almost seemed like he was intentionally preventing me from getting a good look. It didn't deter me, finally, I just walked up and started tapping him on the shoulder.
"Excuse me ..... hello? -- excuse me sir.." Fucker was totally ignoring me. He even shrugged off my shoulder tapping with big obvious shrugs. "Hey don't I know you from somewhere? Excuse me... hey." Whoa, this guy is really some kind of jerk. "HEY DUDE, I know you are ignoring me, why don't you just turn around and tell me who you are so we can both get on with life." Still nothin. I tried to circle around in front of him but he rotated to keep me squarely at his back.
Yeah I realize I should have just left him alone, but it was turning into a contest from which I couldn't bail.
"HEY MAN.." I changed from tapping to a firm grip on his shoulder attempting to turn him around to face me. He resisted. "Why you gotta be such a dick? Who the fuck are you and why are you ignoring me?"
"FUCKING LET GO OF MY BONES!" he yelled as he turned around with a woosh revealing his eyebrow farm of a face. "You know fucking god damned well where you know me from you fucking PRICK."
"No, I actually don't hence all the tapping etc... oh --- wait, OHHH, you're the dude who ran into my Cadillac with his bike and then freaked the fuck out when I caught you and asked you to apologize." I said.
"Well I'm fucking A1 tickled purple that I fucked up your "CADILLAC" with my "BIKE" you filthy cunt." He said with air quotes as he rocked back and forth like a foosball goalie.
"Yeah I gathered that when you went all rabies on me the first time. What the fuck have I ever done to you? What is your problem? I don't even know you. I'M the one who should be freaking out on you for what you did to my car."
"Fuck you you arrogant DICK."
"Why fuck me? Why? Seriously, did I do something to you that I'm not remembering?"
"Are you fucking joking? If you don't remember you're even a bigger cunt than I thought."
"I seriously don't have any idea. If I did something wrong, I was probably just joking or drunk. I don't go around doing things that merit such hostility, not intentionally I don't."
He silently glared at me for a few beats and I could see in his eyes that he wasn't fucking with me. Whatever the truth was for real, this guy truly believed that I had wronged him.
"Hey man, whatever it was that I did or said, real or not, I apologize. I do my best to have fun and entertain people but if I have done something to you that has made you this angry I can guarantee that I meant no harm. I probably didn't even know I was wronging you."
"Exactly."
"Exactly what?"
"You're a prick precisely BECAUSE you are unaware of your prickness."
"Well then help me be aware. What did I do?"
He looked at the ground then looked around as if checking for spies. Then with a nearly robotic rhythm and tone he looked me square n the eye and said:
"When I sold crackers, you gave away chocolate. When I played my violin you break danced. When I shaved my head, you grew a beard. When I bought my bike, you bought a LEMON YELLOW CADILLAC!
We both took a second for it to sink in.
"I don't think you can use "break danced" as a verb like that." I said.
He cocked his arm back to punch me.
"JUST KIDDING -- RELAX!! "look, I had no idea you were doing any of that other stuff. If I was reacting to you it was clearly on a subconscious level. I'm obviously insecure, I mean look how I wave around my arms when I speak. I obviously NEED attention. You should feel sorry for me not hate me. I'm all flash because I'm filling some endless void I can't even see. Don't get me wrong, I'm my biggest fan, but that's only because I know how full of shit I am. I know WHY and HOW I'm surviving. I know better than anyone how close I am to collapse at any given second and If you think its lame or manipulative that I'm crying like a little girl right now well then so let that be. I'm just trying to get through it all. I'm not trying to step on any toes. You'll never hate me like I hate me so you may as well not waste your time."
The air got really quiet and the sprinklers turned on in the park across the street .
"You're so full of SHIT." He whispered.
"HA HA HAhahahahahahahahaaaahhh I KNOW, that was pretty good though huh? Did it almost make you cry?"
"No."
"LIAR!"
Later we went to McDonald's where he got his bushy eyebrows in all up in a V, getting all loud and ragevilles on all the uppity cross dresser cashiers. It was very funny.
Rage is funny.
So yeah, I made a new friend.
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