I don't think that just because I'm the older brother, I need to get my younger brothers laid. Maybe that's the way the Brady Bunch worked, but Greg was also tossing Alice's salad and Cindy was teabagging Mike. In other words, they weren't Mormon. More power to THEM. They are Them, I are ME.
And ME is who Lexandra was coming over to eat. Or at least that's what I thought. I mean she doesn't even know my my brother or step brother. But then again, she does have a liberal ins and outs policy, after all, I basically met her in my bed when she slithered in and mawed my apengdage after my birthday party. Still, it WAS my birthday and I am spectacularly irresistible. RIGHT.
Still, that doesn't explain why, in full view of both brothers, she took off her pants ten minutes after getting here and plopped herself down in quite an unladylike pose on the sofa by the pool. No underwearsville too. I tried to play it off to the brothers like it was no big deal and that Lex was just trying to prove how liberal she was because she knows we're from Utah. Everybody wants to give the Mormon boys a boner. That's old news.
My whateverness kinda deflated when she started shining up her lamb shanks with mouth juice.
"Uh yeah brothers, welcome to San Francisco. All girls are like this here." I big fat lied.
but le'ts get back to what I said at first. Just because I'm the older brother doesn't mean I need to SHOW my younger brothers how to get bizzy with the liberal San Francisco girl spreading her bubblegums on the couch. That's not my responsibility --- and to be frank the whole notion makes me uncomfortable.
Anyway, my inner Martha Stewart was yelling at me to protect my guests from any awkwardness, with Lex doing the slippery silly putty demo on the couch and with everyone else pretending it wasn't happening -- well let's just say I didn't want anyone to be embarrassed so I joined her on the couch to give her a hand.
Her stuff was way way shiny, like sparkling music video shiny. I half expected Jessica Simpson to come roller skating out from in between her glistening liver sized labia at any second. Instead, Lex grabbed my junk (maybe a little too hard) and attacked my mouth like her tounge was a poor kid's fingerless nub groping around for a dollar in my stomach. When I opened my eyes I could see that she was motioning to my younger brothers to come join in.
This is where it gets difficult to do the good Mormon thing and share. I've just really never been generous like that. I was never really that good of a Mormon. Anyway, not wanting confrontation I closed my eyes and pretended not to notice her invitation hoping that they would stay back until they got my go ahead. I was none such lucky. The next time I opened my eyes, there was my younger brother, who hasn't changed one speck in 20 years, literally air humping Lex's leg. Pants on. His hips were literally humping an imaginary vagina three inches from her leg. I don't remember exactly what the step brother was doing but I'm sure it was equally un Martha Stewart-ey.
I sat up and moved to the edge of the couch.
"Sorry guys, I don't wanna gank anybody's good time, if you all wanna have some SF twist-n-pull type deal that's cool, but call me square, I'm just not into it. I don't wanna see either of you two humping. Sorry. Carry on."
I got up and went into the bathroom where the timeshare salesman in the creamy suit had his leg up on the sink hard pitching the couple who were crapping on the loveseat toilet.
"Just you listen to these testimonials." he puffed. "Dan Davis is the best broker in the whole universe. -- Sheila Coombs, Monterrey... Dan Davis made me feel soo comfortable that now I'm a MILLIONAIRE -- Fred Butters, Oakland... Dan Davis has a huge..."
"Hey Dan Davis, nobody wants a sales pitch when they are taking a crap!" I said, thinking I was doing the Crapping Loveseat couple a big favor."
"OOOH but WE DO!!! The timeshare sounds like a really good idea. You should listen to Dan Davis, Merk." they said as the dribbled.
I gave it a good shot but fell asleep in the shower.
I'm a good brother.
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