The Bowl Tipping Howler Monkey, The Twirlybird Tumbleweed Massacre and The Whispering Congregation

I don't remember exactly what I said, but after I said it my dad went totally apeshit. No I mean really, he was running around like a baboon screaming unintelligible nonsense, running into back yard dog runs, tipping over water bowls, he messed up his hair on purpose, his pants got really short and he even lost one shoe. I've never seen my dad act like that. Every time one of my brothers or sisters tried to reason with him and calm him down, he gnashed his teeth, swiped at the air with his claws and threw a stack of office papers into the air. I wish I could remember what I said that set him off. Even though it was kinda scary, it was also quite a show.

The part where he was cruising up the side of a steep mountain with a gait that was one part monkey, two parts praying mantis and one part mummy was especially exciting. I'm really glad the choppers circling over head weren't making any hits with the rocks and ropes they were tossing, because despite the fact he was obviously a danger to every tumbleweed on that hillside (you shouldda seen how he murdered them), I'd hate to see dear old dad gnawing on the arm of some poor deputy on the way back to church. Besides, the fact that the every member of his local Mormon congregation were there video taping and whispering is surely punishment enough.

Anyway, sorry dad, I wasn't trying to tell you how to act, I know how much you hate that. I react the exact same way. I hope you feel better.