I saw a couple of kids breaking the law over by the dorms. Since I'm 65 years old and the Sheriff of NotMindingMyOwnBiznizzVille, I put them under citizens arrest and called the cops. I blocked them in their car and took away their keys. They didn't seem too worried and it annoyed me. After 20 minutes waiting I wondered why the fuck I even gave a shit about whatever crime it was that I had already forgotten. My pride obviously got involved because I was still acting all authoritarian and dickheaded even though they obviously weren't the slightest bit concerned.
They were having fun.
I was not.
That goes against everything I stand for and is therefore BULLSHIT.
So I made some jokes and let them go.
It had nothing to do with the fact that one of their friends came along who very well may have been the Incredible Hulk.
Then they invited me to their party.
The party was housed in a multi level Pizza shop. The bands performed behind the counters of the various kitchens. The music wasn't very good, but the pizza was. Pretty impressive when a band can make a decent pizza while playing instruments.
My next door neighbor showed up and demanded I watch the video she made of her sentencing at the courthouse. She and all her friends turned the proceedings in to a choreographed musical complete with singing, dancing and crazy blood stained costumes that I think she borrowed from my girl. They REALLY did it. Look it up on youtube. It's pretty awesome.
She only got a one year prison sentence. I don't know what her crime was, I didn't ask. It's better not to know the prison sentences of your next door neighbors.
Oh yeah, all the pizza chef/band dudes were brothers. Guess who the oldest brother was. Steve Carell from The Office. He wasn't in any of the bands, but his influence was pretty obvious. He was the business behind it all. I had a short conversation with him and he was nice and everything and not at all like his character on TV. He introduced me to Simon Cowell who apparently offered a record deal to the whole Carell Family Band. Simon Cowell was also nothing like his TV persona.
"You know I really like your show." I said.
"Really? I wouldn't have expected that. I think it's pure rubbish." He said.
"You don't think that, it's a singing competition, what's not to like?"
"You're right, it's my attitude that's pure rubbish."
Then he slapped my ass which seemed kinda gay.
SURPRISE!
finally, a comedian friend of mine came by and interrupted us, he wanted me to help him plan his "comedy schedule". I looked at his calendar where he had an entire month of jokes planned out minute by minute. I took my sleeve and erased it all.
"Don't plan things. Make jokes about the people in your audience. People like to feel included. You are funny, funnier than most, If you invent your routine on the spot using the stories of the people in your audience they will follow you like you were Jesus."
We both got goose bumps from my lame speech. I hope I didn't just wreck his career.
Point is:
Goose bumps are inadmissible in a court of law.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught not telling the part where Simon Cowell chased you across the park while throwing pizza dough balls like they were water balloons.
Your Favorite Secret Ingredient in Paula Abdul's Drink,
Fermented Turtle Jizz
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