I do alright with the ladies, I mean, I ain't no Wolf Blitzer or anything, but I ain't complainin.
Last night though, last night, ALL the ladies wanted me.
Well ok, .... one lady wanted me, but she REALLY wanted me.
I wasn't sure what to do. she was movin FAST, not in a "hey I wanna grab your nuts" kind of way, I wasn't THAT lucky, more like, "hey lets buy a dog together and file joint returns".
What I'm trying to say is that she wasn't that cute and she was also pretty short. When I say short, I mean borderline midget. Ok probably not even borderline, she was full-on midget height -- but proportional, without the nibbly cheetos fingers. She was just really really tiny, and kinda ugly too. Or at least the became that way, or seemed that way, but that was way way later.
I say "way", way too much.
Anyway, I'm getting way ahead of myself. I'll back up.
I met her at a house party and I thought she was really cute. As she approached me, she did so in such a familiar way that I thought for sure that I must have known her from somewhere else. But she was way too cute to have forgotten. Then again, I do know a LOT of pretty girls.
"Well hello there handsome aren't you a breath of fresh air." she said as she leaned in and grabbed my arm.
"Hey nice to see you." I said.
I always say "nice to see you" to people who I think I may have met before. If you say "nice to meet you" you're fucked if you already made out with them or took them to court or some shit.
We chatted for a few minutes about the party and whatnot and I was looking for clues about having met her already. But I was getting nothing. None of her friends coming by rang any bells either, but they all kept talking to us like we were a couple. Why would HER friends do that? They'd know right?
I suppose it was because she was acting like we were a couple.
Man this is getting boring. I'll fast forward to the part where we go back to her place because that's the part where she started getting shorter and uglier than I remembered.
I had a seat on her couch and she went into the kitchen to get us drinks. I took a look around, didn't take off my sunglasses, I like to remain in the dark about most of what goes on in the world. Or at least what goes on in your average dumpy apartment.
We continued talking and I continued trying to figure out why it seemed like this girl knew me from somewhere. Yeah I meant to say it like that.
"Wait a minute. That painting looks familiar" I said.
"Ya think?" she said.
"Yeah I made that painting when I was in high school. I'm pretty sure I threw it in the garbage years ago."
And then I saw another one, and then another one, and then a bunch of flyers I made for my old band, and then I noticed a pile of old shoes, MY OLD SHOES.
"Ok why do you have all this stuff? You have been acting like you had no idea who I was."
"This stuff? this stuff all belongs to my roommate."
"Yeah well it used to belong to me. These are all things I made. I threw away all this stuff years ago in Utah."
"My roommate is from Utah."
I looked around a bit more and realized there was only one bedroom. She was totally full of shit. She didn't have a roommate.
Oh man I just got bored again.
Did I have sex with her? That's what you want to know right?
DUH! of course I did. But it wasn't very fun. I swear. Plus I was drunk. At least I started out that way. Turns out she didn't have any alcohol in the house.
So yeah, she probably wasn't really that short and she was also probably much cuter than I remember. But hey, the more someone likes me the shorter and uglier they get.
Point is:
SCIENCE. LEARN IT!
That's all for now.
Don't get caught accusing midgets of having snack fingers.
Your Savior,
The Easter Bunny
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