The Bashful Streaker, The Stretcher Spectacle, & The Landlord's Benevolent Ray Gun

Last night one of my fag friends dyed his hair blonde and was hell bent on going streaking through the streets to show it off. I agreed to go because streaking photos are rarely lame. However when we got out there and he was prancing about all naked and oiled up he suddenly got super shy about having any photos taken (I wasn't streaking BTW). Anyway, since he basically wrecked my fun by being bashful about the photos I decided to have some of my own fun trailer surfing which is exactly what it sounds like, when a flat bed trailer drives by, you hop on and basically risk your life acting like a complete butthole.
Gay rating: 4 out of 5 stars.

I ended up finding an old ambulance stretcher in the Mission. I did as expected and stretched out upon it. I'm somewhat visible to begin what, with the beard, sunglasses, purple suit and cowboy hat etc... but weezies, if you are really looking to be seen, a stretcher is a sure win. Don't know whether people thought I was injured or not, but they certainly did like taking photos with me. I even signed 3 boobs on 2 different people. (3 total, not 2 sets of 3 boobs.)
Spectacle rating: 4 out of 5 stars.

At one point a crazy looking black skater/homeless dude was running full tilt in my direction, I could tell that he as planning on jumping over me but at the last second he chickened out. I lambasted him for being such a pussy.
Up In My Shit rating: 3 out of 5 stars,

I also met three girls in matching sweaters. One of them gave me a plastic bag with a ray gun in it.
Precious First Gift Rating: 2 out of 5 stars. (the plastic bag still had sandwich gunk in it)

When I got home one of my tenants was parked in my driveway. I was of course a bit annoyed. When I asked them to move they gave me a ton of shit about it. I let it go because they are generally super duper nice and I could tell they were completely HAMMERED. They probably won't even remember doing it.
Saintly Landlord Rating: 5 out of 5 stars.

Point is:
I know I'll be in that number, when the taints go marching in.

Now dredg:

That's all for now,
Don't get caught leaving out the part where you promised to streak too but really had no intention of doing so.
Your Most Ideal Landlord Unless You Are Black and Afraid of Gigantic Vaginas,
Lisa Lampanelli