The Nine Year Lunch Break, The Insubordinate Typewriter, & The Natives With The Poked Out Eyes

So I've had the same job since 1991. Not very many people can say that. People sometimes ask me how I have been able to do it. The answer is simple, I only go in once every 8 or 9 years, or really, whenever I have a panic attack and remember that I never actually officially quit.

I had the panic attack yesterday so I gathered up all my shit and went in. I always pretend like it hasn't been 8 or 9 years since I was there last. I'm always surprised that my desk was just as I left it.

Being able to convince your boss that you were just taking a long lunch for 8 or 9 years is a talent I am proud to possess.

"Hey Merk."

"Hey Boss."

"Thanks for saving my ass at corporate."

"Oh you'd do the same thing for me." What he was talking about I hadn't the slightest fucking clue but if he wants to believe I saved his ass, I ain't gonna fight him.

"I gotta get busy with all this paperwork, I'll talk to you later boss."

I went back to my desk and took out some oversized paper, crammed it in the typewriter and began typing out all the reasons why I should quit that job. I could fill a thousand rolls of toilet paper.

Do they make toilet paper dispenser slash typewriters? I want one.

I was at work all of 20 minutes when I realized it was time for another 8 or 9 year break.

BYE JOB!

I also went back to Brazil over the weekend. When I was last there I was a Mormon missionary, this time I was a long haired beardy dude hell bent on ungodly pursuits.

I could have probably chosen a better friend to pick me up at the airport. I ended up in the way way back of his little Brazilian VW station wagon for a 300 mile ride out into the jungle. I tried tweeting the whole thing but fucking SPRINT..

When we finally got out to his farm in the jungle, the natives were playing their favorite native sport. My friend would give you a long explanation with all this "native culture" this "lost culture" that, but it's basically naked football with arrows. Natives seriously don't care about being shot by arrows. They are stupid and half their eyes are poked out.

OH I'M SO FUCKING INSENSITIVE.

Point is:
OH MY GOD PIRATES!

Now dredg:

That's all for now.
Don't get caught giving porn to the natives and the missionaries trying to convert them.
Your Most Unmotivated Missionary to The Banshees,
Any Old Jew