I visited the new Sundance mountain luxury housing complex Robert Redford is building in Las Vegas. Loads of famous people were there having orgies and all other sorts of typical "Stays in Vegas" bull. We were divided into little performance groups and I was put in a group with Martin Short and a man who had a flesh eating disease that caused his flesh to look like a tattooed transparent hunk of swiss cheese. He was very braggy about his freakshowness and went on and on, cracking his brittle bones and putting fire crackers in the gaping wounds on his neck, a real showboat he, not a team player. Martin Short was apparently nervous about the fact that I had no real visual talents/deformities to contribute to our show so he suggested I put a fake wart on my shoulder.
"Trust me, this will be good merkley." He said.
"Oh I trust you, but you should know that I do a pretty good version of Peter Cottontail"
"Hopping down the bunny trail?" he asked.
"Hippity hoppity easter is on its way..." I said.
"Ooooh easter songs in fall -- that could be good, yeah, nevermind about the wart."
The See Through Flesh guy wandered off and was pulling off hunks of flesh for a bunch of kids so Martin and I put the rest of the show together on our own. I Thought that he'd be the show stealing type but he was really great about passing things back and forth, but then again it may have been that all my asian fans from Utah showed up and were chanting my name.
"Muhkohree Muhkohree Muhkoree" they chanted as I hopped down the bunny trail with no pants on.
Martin Short was impressed with my fan base.
After the show, while looking for the after party, I accidentally wandered into a charitable house party way up in a mansion in the hills. It was the wrong party but the host asked me to stay and entertain all the fat kids gorging out on florescent ice cream and cake.
"What is the charity benefitting?" I asked.
"The C.D.C. (Center For Disease Control)" he said.
"Looks like you're giving lots of kids diabetes." I said.
When I returned to my hotel there was an orgy going on with all kinds of circusey people who looked less than disease free. They were having sex in every corner, not really the appetizing kind of sex either, lots of fisting and foots up butts, all really painful looking stuff, none of which turned me on and most of which was making the room smell like a meat store slash bowl of beans and corn chips. Oh yeah, and lots of ass zits. I tried to relax by making a painting with my feet on the wall but the balcony overhead finally gave way to all the humpy naked people and they came crashing down on top of me in all their greasy nudeness.
"Eat my cum." One overly made up, nearly clownish woman said to me.
I didn't wanna be rude but she really wasn't my type and I also was a bit put off by all the dramatic porn language and swollen purple vaginaness.
"Eat my cum, eat my cum..."
"How bout I just do a little puppetry instead?"
I introduced a couple of my fingers to her purple business, more to not be a prude than anything else.
"Eat my cum, eat my cum.." she insisted."
"Um, yeah, I don't think so, I'm guessing there is more than just your stuff down there.."
Just then a real bitchy bull dyke pushed me aside to inspect her anus.
"Just like I thought" she said, "This ass is completely injured."
"Well I had nothing to do with that I can assure you, I was only doodling her to be polite."
The lesbian gave me a man hating look and for a second I considered getting all ragey on her but instead I just glanced around the room, saw a soaped up puffy black lady squirming around on the cold tile floor in a phoney state of rapture and realized I had no interest in any of what was going on so I tossed her my room key and told her to make sure she didn't get any ass blood on the furniture. I put on a mexican blanket as a skirt, gave myself a beard combover with some shampoo and a detached showerhead as a brush and went shopping for guns.
So yeah, none of this stayed in Vegas.
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