I get a little miffed when the gays just dismiss me out of hand as a straight and they don't even try to hit on me. True, I'm not gay, but do you have to treat me like that? Throw a guy a bone every once in a while. That's a good joke cuz of the word BONE.
Anyway at least Lance Bass, one of the famousest gays, has manners, he tried to grab my wiener a dozen times last night. What a gentleman. Every homo in the room was tryin' to get a piece of him but he was all about the dude with the beard, and of course I liked the attention because DUH, I like attention even if it is from a pudgy fifth wheel boy band homo. Of course I'm no prude so I was nice and flattered when he tried to back me into a corner. But honestly, even if I was gay, Lance Bass most certainly wouldn't be my type, he has way bad style and his freshly bleached hair is so 1997 and not in a good way and bottom line he just isn't femmy enough. If I was gonna fag out it'd be a hot femme gay or post op tranny, you know, cuz I ain't gay and they are almost women or something. The math almost works.
"Lance, if I was gay you'd be the first man I'd fuck." I said, because I'm polite enough to lie (Prince would be first).
"Well if you were gay, I wouldn't want to fuck you." he said as he took off his shirt. "I only go with straight men."
"Whoa dude, what is going on with that third nipple in the middle of your chest? Is that real?"
"Yeah you like it?"
"Ummm uhh, why is it so big? It looks like a negro's nipple, are you sure that's not chocolate?"
"Check this out." He slowly peeled up the big nipple revealing a strange belly button type hole.
"What the fuck is going on there? You have a fleshy hole in your chest."
"Stick your dick in there."
"No way, that's not a vagina." I said, making perfect sense.
"Yeah but it's not a butthole either."
"What is it? Is that your belly button?"
"Do belly buttons go all the way through?" He asked as he turned around revealing the exit end of his weird nipple covered chest hole thing."
"What do you call that thing?"
"It's my Lance Basshole, stick your dick in there, it's soft and you totally won't even be gay because it's not a butthole, hand or mouth."
"Well thanks for the offer, but as tempting as it might be just for purely the I Fucked The Third Nipple Covered Hole in Lance Bass' Chest factor, I think I'm gonna have to politely decline because, well, it doesn't gimme a boner so that creates an obvious problem."
"You don't need a boner with this, just put it in there and it will turn into a boner, I guarantee it."
"Maybe so but I don't want you to give me a boner, and more than that I just don't want to stick my wong in your .... umm .. "basshole", but seriously, no offense, I'm sure I'll probably regret not doing it when I'm an old man with a dead dick."
"Well gimme your number." he said "The offer will stand, whenever you want, I'll call you and check up every once in a while."
I gave him the wrong number. I don't need that kind of pressure from a famous homo.
Later I went back to my childhood bedroom in Utah and had a little bit of sex with a famous Vargas girl but when I went to doodle her business a piece of labia broke off in my fingers. Guess I shouldda known Vargas girls were made out of wax. She actually DID have chocolate nipples, I ate one of them. Is that rude?
Oh yeah, when the transparent wax labia fragment broke off she told me to eat that too but I passed.
Nobody told me it was weird removable/edible nipple/genital day.
I suppose I miss out on a lot not being weird.
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