Sometimes I think it's fun to get in my car upside down and operate the pedals with my hands and steer with my feet. I'll admit, there are haters.
"Can I ask why you pulled me over officer?"
"You's drivin' upsider downies." he baritoned.
"I'm from England."
"Lice-n-Reggie peas." He said.
I hadn't heard that obscure gay/baby, asian/cop dialect since kindergarten and it was strange to hear it with such bass and negrocity from a bitty white fella but still I knew he meant "license and registration".
"Is it against the lawr to be English?" I asked as I kicked open the glove box and grabbed a hoagie with my left foot.
"Neggie-atorasaurus." He said.
"Then why you need my Rice-n-Veggie?" I switched it up to see if he was listening.
"I askie the questchies bubby. Where's yo slippies?" he asked as he shined his light on his. Like I don't know what slippers are.
"Left 'em at Scuba Land with the snorkle 'n maskie. Rentals." I said as I "handed" him the sandwich with my foot. (see title.)
"This got's turkeys?" he asked as he flipped through the sandwich like a deck of cards creating a small burst of wind that fluttered his velvety nose hairs. "I got hyper allergenicks".
"Allergies?"
He slowly lifted his yellowish eyes, his chicken skin of a pink forehead turned into a W.
"You makin' funnies 'bout my allergenicks?" he asked as he pointed my hoagie at me.
"No Sir, allergenicks are serious business. I apologize for the ie. No, no turkeys in the hoagie."
"Apologistics acceptoid." He said as he took a bite of my hoagie. "This's one series hoagurm."
It was fast apparent why he replaced the silly "ie" in hoagie with the no-nonsense "urm". His face orgasmified into stage four hoagie buzz and as he ate I could see through his x-ray vest the ham and mayo lining his stomach like a baloney chrysalis. His heart looked like a hairless puppy humping a skinned plum juicing all over the undulating sausage links that were his intestines.
Not wanting to fink his rapture (or upset the puppy), I unceremoniously rolled up the glass, gripped the wheel with my feet, put my hand on the gas and slithered down the road.
Always keep hoagies in the glove box.
You're welcome.
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