I hiked up a big grassy hill by my house that overlooks a busy street. It was a nice day so there were lots of actors and douchebags hanging out enjoying the weather, reading their yoga books, cooking their eggplants and so on. I decided it would be fun to throw big rocks at the cars passing below. I was happy that my aim was as good as it was when I was a kid, in fact I think I have even improved a bit. I was nailing cars left and right, motherfuckers slamming on their brakes like it was the end of the world just cuz a softball sized boulder came crashing through their window. What a bunch of uptight wussies.
Fuck them and their Audis.
I even developed a nice boulder toss that would bounce down the side of the hill and hit a few sunbathing douchebags along the way. Some nearby college girls got all put out and indignant like I was doing something "totally uncool". Whatever, they're just jealous that I know how to party. Guess what else, one of them was a tattletale. So LAME.
Down at the bottom of the hill my mother was screaming at me like I was 10.
"You get down here RIGHT THIS INSTANT MISTER."
Was she serious? Were these people serious? I'm fucking turning 40 in a couple of weeks. They told my MOM?
I slid down the slippery grass crouched down on my feet and they left two nice dirt grooves in the earth like two little plows. I took only seconds to arrive at the bottom.
"WHAT. THE. FUCK. MOM? You're yelling at me for throwing rocks at cars? I'm FUCKING 40, get a fucking LIFE."
Moms. I only swear cuz she's still Mormon and thinks I'm Satan anyway. I'm reaffirming her testimony. It's like a favor.
On the way to the beach house I passed an abandoned gas station. Some asshole had locked a bunch of dogs inside with no food or water. They all appeared to be skinny dead fur bags of bones, dog holocaust for sure. I cracked the door open just to make sure. Way off in the corner, a really gray dog that looked like an old dried up boney mop raised his head.
"You're alive? Are you ok?"
He wagged his crooked tail without getting up, trying to bend his thin neck around to see me. BoneBag 2007.
"Come'ere buddy, you can't stay here. All your friends are dead. Let's go get you a hot dog. You wanna hot dog?"
I know the magic words.
He did his best impersonation of a newborn colt and wobbled a bit to get his feet underneath him as I encouraged him by listing all my favorite meats that I was gonna share with him. Before long we were cruising down the street like pepperoni and olives. He was barking at douchebags and gnashing his wobbly teeth which would normally bother me but I was pretty annoyed with humanity myself so it was cute, especially cuz he had a big open wound complete with worms, maggots and everything. Quite a sight he.
Here's the thing:
Most people get freaked out if you remove your penis but that's just because they have never tried it and they fear the unknown. I was like that the first time my dick came off. I totally freaked out and cried and everything. But I was an idiot, I had no idea that:
1. all you have to do is hold it back in position until it sticks, which it will.
2. even if you forget to do A, dicks grow back fairly quickly.
7. even if your dick doesn't grow back, it's not like they are rare, any dick from the store will work.
So yeah, I was sitting naked on the couch making a saladish lunch for myself and BoneBag 2007 when I realized that my wang had become disconnected. I immediately began reattachment procedures as usual, but then I thought, I bet BoneBag 2007 would probably eat this if I tossed it in a hot pan for a minute and sliced it up.
Of course I was right. He snatched each steamy slice out of the air as I snipped them off with the kitchen scissors. I even ate a few slices myself. Who could blame me? Like you can resist the smell of cooking hot dogs without wanting a bite? Don't judge.
And don't worry, I had a spare dick in the junk drawer, attached just fine, can't even tell, in fact I think it might even be a tiny bit bigger.
Anyway, cooking at home is where it's at, I forgot to tell you that earlier at the restaurant the waiter lost my debit card and I had to rage all the fuck out on him and make him cry until he found it in a big pot of boiling noodles.
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