Discount Alcoholism at Costco, The Slow Slicing Of a Faggot's Skull and The Sexy TV Ad Reciting Asian Chicks

I try not to spend too much time planning anything because lord knows I hate to have plans. So when deciding what to do on a Friday or Saturday night, sometimes the best thing to do is find out what Richie and Jefro are doing because their whole life revolves around making sure parties are the way they should be.

"Dood, we're totally going to the Costco bar" said Richie.

"The Costco bar is where it's at" said Jefro.

"Really? You mean the warehouse discount chain store where everything comes in bulk?" I asked.

"Discount --- Bulk, those are the key words" they said.

I couldn't argue with that.

The drinks certainly were cheap and the crowd was pretty cool, although it was pretty retarded hanging out getting drunk while people shopped for bulk toilet paper and hot wings. But hey, alcohol is alcohol and there were plenty of pretty girls around so who am I to complain?

Costco had a new system installed wherein the customers board little cars attached to a cable that would take you up and down every isle like an amusement park ride. I decided to take a break from drinking to see what all the hype was about. The cars could go up and down the walls to whatever item you wanted to see but it didn't seem like you could speed up and pass the people in front of you if you wanted. I thought this was a critical design flaw, especially because the two unfashionable homos from the suburbs who were right in front of me were having a very boring conversation and the items they were checking were totally stupid choices. Fags don't make the best decisions shopping at Costco lemme tell ya. The older homo dude kept opening all the bulk bottles and touching the contents perhaps just to feel what they felt like. I didn't see why it was necessary for him to sift corn flakes and raisin bran through his fingers especially when it seemed like he wasn't really interested in buying anything anyway. His hands were dirty.

As our cars rounded the corner into the bathroom fixtures and plumbing department, I could see that there was an opportunity to pass them so I tried to take it, but as I made my move, the younger mustached homo just stepped right out in front of me blocking my path. He didn't even acknowledge the collision and he didn't even say excuse me or anything. I tried pass one more time but he stepped in front of me again. This time I could see that he saw me out of the corner of his eye. Motherfucker fag was blocking me on purpose. What the fuck?

"Excuse me" I said in a somewhat friendly tone while attempting to just get past.

"Excuse you is right" he said as he and his boyfriend did that disgusted homo look that only homos make to each other.

"What is your problem? I'm just trying to get past you because I'm not really even shopping and I want to get out of here."

"Yeah well you should have thought of that before you got on the ride."

"What are you talking about? This section is obviously made for passing."

"The only thing that is obvious here is that you need to get a grip and be patient."

His older boyfriend went on ahead of him kinda chuckling and self satisfied that his little boyfriend was putting me in my place.

"Listen dickhead, just because you're a fucking faggot doesn't mean I wont kick your ass like a straight man -- your faggotry is not a free bitchery card. Step out of my way or I'll kick your fucking ass."

"I'd like to see you try" he said.

"Try" is what I did next.

I tried to throw a punch but suddenly the air felt like thick molasses, my arms were going in slow motion and they were too short to make connection with his stupid faggy face. As each slow motion punch would fall helplessly short he would laugh as if he knew that this scenario was gonna happen. I didn't know why I felt so weak and unable to punch. I mean I have had dreams like this before but this was real life in the bathroom department at Costco and I desperately wanted to punch the crap out of this asshole but my fists and arms were the size of the fists and arms of a two year old.

I looked down and noticed that my life vest had inflated to an uncomfortable level and perhaps that was why all my movements felt so weak and restricted. Even my walking was slowed down, it was nearly like being buried in gooey sand. I wasn't about to let this dickhead get away with his dickheadedness so I thought about ways that I could injure him even if my movements were limited to slow motion. I spied a sharp corner on a bathroom sink display and I decided that I would tackle him and jab the corner into his skull. Since he was mocking my inability to land a punch and also probably because he was gay and I am fucking handsome as hell, he let me tackle him to the ground. Moving his head into position to jab the corner in his skull was no small task but he seemed to be agreeable to the workout because he had no idea what I had planned. when I finally got the top of his skull in place, I tried to lift it and thrust it onto the corner jabbing it right into his brain and hopefully killing him. Trouble was, his head was too hard and I'd need some speed and I didn't have it due to the thick molasses air.

Option two was what I ended up going with. Even though my movements felt very weak and slow motioney, I did have two handfuls of hair in a death grip that wasn't getting any looser. I put the corner of the cabinetry onto the top of his skull and I began sawing it back and forth grinding through his scalp and into his skull. He was trying to play it off like it didn't hurt but as the blood began to fill his hair and as the corner of the cabinet slowly ground through his brittle skull and into his brain an honest look of terror creeped across his ugly face.

I kept going on like that for two minutes and then it occurred to me that I had absolutely zero interest in becoming a fugitive having just murdered some faggot in Costco so I let go.

As I stood up, the air became even thicker. The fag had thick gloops of gooey blood glopping down his face. His teeth were all bloody and pinkish yellow but he was still a fucking smart ass.

"You made a big mistake bub. You don't have a partner, I do. You are dead meat when he gets back, you just wait."

Since i didn't want to finish him off and kill him and because suddenly I was nearly paralyzed with fear thinking that the thick blood all over my hands might be tainted with AIDS, I decided to beat it.

My walking was weak, I was unable to run. The air was soooooo thick, I thought I must be underwater because I even felt as if I might be drowning. My life vest was way too over inflated but I couldn't find the pressure release valve. It was inflating up around my neck now and making it hard for me to find the floor. Not only that but I was afraid that someone had seen me nearly kill that faggot and surely, because I don't mind saying the word faggot all the time, I'd get pegged with a hate crime even though it had zero to do with where he sticks his dick and everything to do with the fact that he was acting like a dick.

I finally made my way to the luggage conveyer belt and decided to hop on that instead of venturing out into the parking lot because I couldn't for the life of me slow my brain down enough to remember where I parked my car or remember if I even drove in the first place.

I laid down on one of the luggage carts on the conveyer belt right between to a couple of asian girls who kept lip syncing and vocalizing the TV commercials playing over the Costco PA system. At first it was annoying but then it became the perfect distraction to slow my brain down enough to relax and regain my movements. The way they pronounced their words was very amusing and the fact that we were laying down was completely comforting to me. Lord knows I love laying down.

One of the asian girls leaned over me, her cool hair brushed against my face and I became transfixed with her lips, teeth and cool breath as she recited popular American TV commercials with a completely terrible but awesomely adorable Asian accent.

Then we made out for a long time. Then there was jizz everywhere. What else is new.