I went to an awkward dinner with my friends from No Doubt. I don't have any idea who set it up but it was obviously a joke because the other guests were No Doubt's most vocal critics. Most of the dinner was spent with everyone being pleasant but mostly silent. KD lang just fiddled with the food on her plate. Some of the other critics were attempting to snuggle up to Gwen even though they were known for talking shit about her. Tom, Adrian and Tony and I just spent the time exchanging "What The Fuck?" glances with each other while laughing under our breath. Stephen bradley spent his time doing a comedy routine criticizing the gigantic abstract paintings hanging all over the restaurant, nothing new there. I had no idea KD lang was a critic of No Doubt but it wasn't really a big surprise and by the way she was getting really close to Gwen, it was obviously something to to with her Dykeyness.
The food was fucking awesome but I think I was the only person who thought so and to be honest I was even doubting my own judgment because I typically don't like the fancy schmancy rock and roll dinners at over priced, over hyped, over done fancy schmancy restaurants and the particular item which was making me loopy with joy was Marinated Braised Squash Blossoms. They were so fucking good I was stealing them off of everyone's plates.
"You gonna eat your squash blossoms Tom?"
I only needed to ask him when everybody began flicking their squash blossoms on my plate. It's good to love that which everyone else discards. It's perhaps the key to my success in life.
20 minutes into the awkward vibe of the dinner, a passive aggressive battle broke out of epic proportions.
"Nice glasses" Tony said to a nerdy criitc.
"Nice pen protector" Adrian said to another.
"Hey look everybody, I'm Halley Barry's vagina" I said as spread out my lips on my face and leaned into KD Lang for a kiss (She is dating Halley in case you didn't know) ok, that one wasn't so much passive as blatantly aggressive -- I'm a rebel you know.
Many other awesome passive aggressive things were said that made everyone uncomfortable. Nobody acknowledged the discomfort, everyone just kept exchanging knowing glances and invisible high fives.
After dinner I went outside and reclined on the big yellow vinyl chair that looked just like the couch I pulled off the street on thursday last week. There was a flood going on so I took off my shoes which the current quickly swept away. Luckily the flood was also bringing in lots of replacement shoes so whenever I needed them I could just fish some out. I wondered for a minute where they must all be coming from because they were all my white velcro style and they were all my size. Whatever -- no sense in looking a gift horse up the ass. Butterface was not enjoying the water. The rescuers were all making out with each other, It was lovely.
Later down at the ghetto college, a race war was on the cusp of breaking out, my natural tendency to fan the flames came out as a few friends and I stood outside the gates talking loudly about how stupid the afros only policy was.
Listen you can't let negroes get away with racism just because they are negroes right? I mean racism is racism. I was happy to be with my white friends who aren't duped by the retarded arguments that black people put forth about forty acres and a mule this and 400 years of oppression that, point was, I was not about to allow them to prevent me from walking across campus and even though they circled around me in some attempt to intimidate me I knew that my non hateful confidence would win out and even if it didn't I was prepared to crack some skulls.
I made it obvious that I was gonna walk straight across campus, escorted or not, but the little black cop that was nearest to me stepped up to his duty and escorted me to the convention hall, hand on my shoulder, grin on his face. He was smart. He liked what I was all about. Either that or it was just an opportunity to be in the spotlight. i can understand that.
Sitting in the convention hall I discussed with a pal how cheesy and awesome it would be to sculpt a bunch of little human figures out of ebony and ivory and lay them down side by side like a piano keyboard and how the fact that they would probably have to be laid down feet to head with heads at opposite ends to get the best keyboard effect might be the ultimate commentary. Maybe I'd include a dart board with Paul McCartney's and Stevie Wonder's faces on it. Holy fuck I am sick of the stupid race argument.
One of my mexicanish middle easternish friends was aruging with a bird looking black dude with the weirdest looking afro floating on top of his head. The afro dude was trying to explain to my friend that 99% of the public would assume he was black and that was reason enough for him to take their rhetoric hook line and sinker, but my friend was prepared with a powerpoint presentation that demonstrated the different beard types of the various races. The animation showed Charlie Brown growing a beard which turned him into a dead ringer for Yosemite Sam -- a bunch of other animations came and went showing other weird growth patterns, but the one that really mattered was the one that clearly showed that my friends genes provided that his beard would grow only in sync with the four seasons and that in the fall his certainly did turn yellow then red and then brown only to fall of his face not growing again until spring. Boy did he ever prove that he wasn't black. I learned a lot about beards in his presentation.
The best part of his presentation though is that I was able to bad vibe my way out of having to sit next to Moby. Holy shit that guy is a nerd. I hate that idiot. He's always trying to be my friend too -- bummer.
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