The Douchebag Roommate Who Is STILL a Douchebag, Where The Fuck Are My Shoes and The Fat Rapping McDonalds Drive Thru Cop

I went back to my old house in Provo Utah and I got a sinking feeling in my gut. I always get that feeling when I go back anywhere, something about the past just makes me feel sick and uneasy. I like now and the future best.

Anyway, my old roommate still lived there and I thought it was pretty pathetic. We were fast friends when he first moved in but every time his rich father bailed him out of his failing ventures I lost more and more respect for him and the way he would admire himself as he sucked in his cheeks and shadow boxed with himself in the mirror was down right nauseating. So I guess it was no surprise that he was still living in the same place in the same town with the same car and same style. I thought it was pretty pathetic but I was trying to be as pleasant as possible considering the fact that in my mind all I could think was "This douchebag still goes to the tanning salon"

"Things have changed around here have they not?" he said acting as if he'd really made something of himself.

I looked around and saw that some feeble attempts at construction work were in progress, there was sheetrock and mud everywhere, he had amassed a large collection of vintage gasoline signs and what not, the kind of stuff that was cool on Melrose Avenue in the early nineties, his style had not advanced or changed one bit since I was there. He moved into the adjacent apartments which were cool and everything but considering he was the primary inhabitant that just meant more room for more lame crap that everyone has already seen before. Nice job PETE. I made out with your girlfriend.

"How much you pay rent here now dude?" I asked.

"2500 bucks"

"What the fuck? It was only 200 bucks when I lived here. You could rent a fucking awesome flat in SF for that"

The dude was obviously still making really stupid financial decisions because you just know his dad is still sending him checks like the little girl he is. Spending dads money on stupid shit is just plain pathetic. I can't stop saying pathetic. it's pathetic.

I looked around a bit more, there was tons of my shit still lying around, stuff that I left behind because I thought it was stupid. I took off my shoes to let my feet breathe for a minute and quickly misplaced them amongst all the crap strewn about. I looked for them for what seemed like forever -- I looked everywhere and couldn't figure out how it was possible that I'd taken them off not 2 minutes earlier and now they had apparently vanished into thin air. I tried on other random shoes out of frustration but none of them were fitting my foot and I wasn't into the idea of mismatched shoes. As I was putting on a random penny loafer Pete's new roommate walked in. It was his shoe. The moment was rather awkward, especially when I realized that it was a dude who I almost got in a fight with long ago somewhere for some reason. The tension mounted in the room. Nobody said anything. I grabbed the nearest pair of shoes and shot him a look that said: I'M TAKING THESE SHOES DUDE DON'T FUCK WITH ME MANNN. and then I exited the building. The screen door dropped of it's hinges. I didn't care.

I walked out to the street to hail a cab. People were driving like maniacs. As I walked down the street cars were swerving all over the god damn place. One noticed me trying to hail a cab so they slammed on the brakes nearly doing a skid donut but they missed the edge of the street and went speeding into the McDonalds drive thru which was crowded with three long parallel lines of cars -- like at a bank drive thru window. I could see that the driver and the passengers were in a reckless state as they slammed on the gas and began shoving other cars forward out into the street. I would have been smashed by one of these cars had I not seen the whole thing happening from the beginning. Once the car shoving started it wouldn't stop. Suddenly all the cars were shoving each other back and forth like a bunch of lousy kids in a mosh pit. No metal was crunching, it was just bumper to bumper shoving. I took refuge high up out on the median in the middle of the boulevard where a big fat black woman cop began to take control of the situation.

She tooted her whistle and began to do a safe driving rap that looked as if it was stolen from a crappy McDonalds commercial. I looked around for the cameras certain in my knowledge that there really is no such thing as actual dancing rapping fat black woman cops.

Anyway, she solved the traffic troubles with all her rapping and dancing. Yay Fat Dancing Rap Cop!