It wouldn't stop raining and I knew I had that leak that went to the basement but it's just so much easier living in denial so I just went about my business making the goat sculptures up stairs. The rain was really pouring outside an I just couldn't get the leak out of my mind. I went and Checked on the basement but there was only like three feet of water which was no big deal. Just as long as it doesn't reach the top of the stairs everything will be fine.
Twenty minutes later I was in panic mode because the water in the basement was lapping right up to the top stair. Now I was going to have to make a mad dash around the house looking for the goggles Boyd gave me. I looked everywhere but I couldn't find them. It's not like they were gonna do me any good anyway, the water was all rust colored. What was I gonna do anyway? look around for the drain? Duh -- Of course that's what I was gonna do but since I couldn't find the goggles and that rusty water would certainly hurt my eyes, I thought it better to look for a drill or jackhammer and then just go outside an drill or jackhammer a hole in the side of the garage and it would all just drain out into the street. then it occurred to me -- duh, why don't I just open the garage door and then a wave of water would come out onto the street. I'll tell you why, because I couldn't find the fucking garage remote and besides, that'd be a dumb idea anyway because all the shit in my garage would go flooding out onto the street with it.
Fuck it. I'm gonna do it anyway, I unlocked the garage door and lifted it up and waited for a big wall of water to knock me back into the street, but -- it didn't, somehow the water all drained out before I got there. Maybe I drilled a hole in the wall and forgot about it. At any rate, the goggles were right there hanging on a nail on the wall but I didn't need them any more.
Gwen was hanging out with this douchebaggy tan dude. Somebody introduced him as a plastic surgeon and I looked at Gwen and she said;
"What? NOT MINE, this is Hollywoood Merkles, everybody has friends that are plastic surgeons." as she gave me an evil eye not to press the issue.
I didn't.
It was nice to see her but I don't think there is anything wrong with just growing older but hey, I dye the gray out of my beard so who am I to point fingers right?
President Bush was in town and I saw it as a challenge to see if I could get in to all the special events and parties. I mean rock star stuff is one thing, I look like I belong in the rock star environment, people don't question me, I got that all situated -- but I've never done the political thing besides the functions where the mayor is hitting on the same girls.
The first one was pretty fucking easy, same method, just belong and you belong, It took very little nerve and finesse to get into the front row and listen to him speak at the big picnic. He kept making eye contact with me giving me looks of approval and acknowledging my awesomeness. My friend was amazed at how easy it was.
"Dude," I said "you just gotta own the room, doesn't matter what room, just own it, fuck it, do what I do, act like you own the room and are trying to sell it, like you have too many rooms. Own the room to a point that you feel completely comfortable just giving the whole room away like you're done with it."
Later on at the second event everyone was giving me the look like they had already seen me. George bush gave me that familiar nod but there were really no opportunities to get chummy with him. He was very relaxed and working the room like a total pro. I couldn't help but notice how many people were there that seemed to feel comfortable and unaffected by his authority. His staff seemed super at ease and he was doing a fantastic job making everyone laugh and feel comfortable with his class president charm and goofball wit.
My friend and I took off for a walk through some back streets that went over streams and ponds, back country that was unruly and not cared for. The whole hanging out with the president thing came and went and now we were just looking for a party to end the evening. We headed up to the avenues above SLC looking for a party, there wasn't much going on. There was one particular driveway with tons and tons of security guards holding back hoards of people trying to get in. I figured what the hell, I could show my friend once and for all that the only credential I needed was my confidence to get in anywhere.
We marched right up and I put my hand on the shoulder of one of the security guards and gently moved him to the side.
"Excuse me bud, Keep up the good work" I said in a low voice as I slid on past. "He's with me"
I entered the old a frame house that smelled of dinner having been just put away. On my way in, Dick Cheney scooted past me.
"Hey there's that dude with the unmistakable puss" He said as he pointed at me smiling. "Don't he remind you of a young Walter Cronkite or something?" He said to his Secret Service dude as he made his way down the stairs.
"Dude, these people think they know you" My friend said to me.
"That because I act like they SHOULD know me dude. It's so easy."
As we made our way in I could see that it was totally family and friends only. Secret Service dudes were napping, belts loosened, on the couch. George Bush's mom was in a mouth open turkey coma between them. Nobody was really talking, they were just acting like family after a big thanksgiving day meal. One of the secret service guys, without so much as opening his eyes or sitting up straight said:
"When you wanna take off George?"
"Whenever, let me just finish this show."
George was sitting in a recliner watching a small skewed projection of The History Channel on the wall right next to him, I figured it was because he liked to sit really close to the TV but he didn't want to go cross eyed or anything. The show was about Nazi Germany and as George swiveled back and forth in his Lazy Boy he kept grinning and making shadow puppets of his hand flipping the bird on Hitler's face. A few other people giggled in the room as did I. I could see why people liked him. He was so juvenile, secure, and silly. Hitler was giving some big angry speech and his hair was flipping all over the place and looking all retarded as usual.
"Hilter..." George Bush said as he made the shadow puppet of his middle finger look as if it was picking Hitler's nose , "What a douche"
Everybody giggled a delirious late night giggle.
George Bush was totally in charge.
Because he was funny.
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