The Vacuum Suction HooDeeHoo, The Pathetic Beta Male Convention and The Jews Be Fuckin With My Cameras Yo.

A random skinny model girl walks up to me and is all up on my shit in like two seconds flat and in no time at all we're giving each other head all over the place doin handstands and all kinds of stuff I don't normally do. Her boobs barely move because they are so small. Her labia were abnormally long, so long I could feel them sliding underneath my tongue. I didn't say anything about it, who needs to feel self conscious right?. Her vagina had vacuum suction so even before I decided to go for it I was being sucked in from like six inches away. All in all it was an enjoyable situation made better by the fact that I had no idea who the woman was. I think sometimes its best that way. At least if you wanna try out hand stands and serious labia sucking.

I happened upon all my former band mates staging a really super hooptie reunion thing. I've seen things like this before, they all try to get their shit together without me but it never works out. When I show up, they play it off like they don't care that nobody showed up and the sound system sucks and they look like a bunch of morons up there on stage desperately trying to be rock stars. I'm always the perfect gentleman, I feign support and interest when really I'm am laughing my head off inside. There is always some douchebag reporter there from the least popular neighborhood crap zine conducting an interview in which they totally play down my role, not even mentioning me or anything and when the reporter asks them about me they get all defensive as if I was merely incidental to their popularity but then the reporter looks around at the miserable failure of a gig and shoots back a few passive aggressive remarks about how they maybe should think about including me a little more and also asking if they heard about this or that anecdote wherein I am totally awesome and rad while they all look at the ground and fiddle with their shoelaces. Meanwhile I'm standing by feeling half sorry for them and half fuck you idiots. Rod is running around looking like a total moron with his fake hairsprayed mohawk acting like he is funny but the only person who ever laughed a sincere laugh at a Rod joke was Rod. Poor dude, if i didn't think he was a total cunty runt of a douchebag momma's boy, I'd feel sorry for him. We reap what we sow. John seemed to be with me in spirit if not in physical location. Jon is more patient and forgiving than I am. Or at least he wants people to think he is. He isn't confident enough to allow people to think he's the dick we all ultimately are. I think he'd rather be the top beta male than the weakest alpha and lord knows he'd be against the whole definition of alpha male anyway. Where's the sensitivity in that? That's not emo.

I took a trip to Israel but the whole thing was nothing but a big camera debacle. It seemed like every camera I brought malfunctioned, broke or was just too hard to figure out. With one of them, the lens just popped off and I made a makeshift camera obsura and was entertaining every one with big projections from the outside world onto the motel wall. It was amazing how bright the images were, almost like a projector. I actually might like this camera better broken than I did when it worked. I did get sick of explaining what a camera obscura was. You'd think people would already know. It's true what they say about the Jews, they will try to part you from your money at every turn -- I blame my camera problems on them. I never had these types of troubles stateside. fuckin jews. Stupid haircuts and hats too.