My meeting with the judge was a little nerve wracking. He was a nice enough man about eighty or so. His eyes were cloudy but showed years of wisdom and a bit of mischief like he really knew how to laugh. I was quite certain that I wouldn't be able to fudge my way into his good graces. I explained to him that the other judge who set out the terms of my probation had solved most of the problems that he seemed to be researching. He looked up at me as if to say
"Son, I have been doing this for five billion years."
He stood up and went to the filing cabinet, opened it up and out blew a gust of wind lifting the front of his toupee into a completely upright flapping position. Papers, documents, plants and clothing were flying out of the filing cabinet at a rather comical rate but he stayed peering and shuffling though the hurricane until he found the files he needed ---. The other litigants in the room all pretended not to notice the disaster happening before their eyes. The judge slowly walked back over to me and asked:
"What was the name of your judge?"
"I don't remember but he looked just like the dude who played Herman Munster and I think it may have actually been him because I saw him play a judge in a movie perhaps with Joe Pesci."
"I'm not familiar with any judge named Herman Munsters"
"Well he has a really long head and droopy eyes."
"Ah yes -- Jerry -- he's a rascal."
Just then one of the other patrons of the court hopped up on the balcony and started a really annoying brown nosing campaign that was totally transparent to everyone in the room. he was dressed somewhat like a court jester or some other douchebag from some old english court.
"Say your honor, I believe I heard through the grape vine that you are familiar with the secret order of the three kings."
Oh brother, this guy was a real piece of work. His hair was cut in the same fashion as those powdered wig faggots from days of yore.
"I too am part of the secret order." he said as he bowed and crossed his legs like he was in some gay movie.
Everyone in the room collectively rolled their eyes and let out a sigh that unmistakeably translated into "Ahhhh fuuuuuck you doood."
My mind went back to gather the details of my meeting with Judge Herman Munster but it was hard for me to put into order the exact conditions of my parole and I think I just kept getting my case confused with that case in the Joe Pesci movie.
"It says here that you must get a gym membership and exercise daily -- have you done so?" asked Judge Flappy Toupee.
"Well not really but I am definitely making movements towards those ends." I lied.
"How so?"
"Working on the house, playing with the dogs etc... also I have a car that has pedals and it's a bitch workout to drive." I lied some more.
"How is your diet?"
"Fine I suppose -- it could definitely use more vegetables." Holy shit I'm a liar.
No comments:
Post a Comment