I have learned how to sleep underwater. The secret is that you have to plug yourself in to a wall socket so that your farts light automatically. It takes a minute to get used to the constant buzzing sound of the electricity but once you do it's really soothing and adds to the feeling of inhaling water.
Bet you didn't even know a fart could light on fire underwater.
Take a science class. Sheesh.
My brother stayed over in the guest room and he got so drunk he peed the bed. To teach him a lesson I peed in some refried beans.
I always think it's best to lead by example.
Some religious asshole was blabbing on about how Jesus lives in his heart and I said:
"Yeah well Jesus lives in my heart too but he has cancer and it doesn't look so good."
Then I went on and on about how Kurt Cobain and a bunch of other dead dudes also live in my heart and they party constantly doing all kinds of drugs, they never take out the trash or mow the lawn and I'd really like to evict them but I can't because I'm not about to serve an eviction notice as I'm not in the mood to have a fucking thumbtack stabbing into any of my various ventricles or aortas etc.. I'll leave the heart attacks to Grampa thanks.
Then I thought about Jesus lighting his farts on fire at a party in my left atrium with Kurt Cobain and how Kurt Cobain would get all pissed at Jesus for playing with fire in the atrium cuz that's where Kurt grows pot.
I often take jokes ten miles past the last exit.
There is a great rest area out there.
You know about rest area bathrooms right?
Google.
Anyway, I also sat up on the roof and threw hot dogs at passers by. Fun times.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught singing "Champagne Super Vena Cava In The Skyeee" To flunkee Brit-o-phile heart surgeons.
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