Yesterday I ate baloney sandwiches with George Bush and I asked him if he was worried that Jihadists in the middle east were trying to acquire uranium for nuclear weapons.
He said:
"Truss me, ain't nobody gunna "obtain" MY "anium" for no nukular bombs."
Then he cinched up his belt and went on for a half an hour about how NASA was using telescopes to study his butthole.
Later on I interviewed Steve Martin on The Bed Show. If you haven't seen it, it's not that great, the whole set is a giant bed and the guests are all old wrinkled cartoons.
Accordingly, Nancy Reagan was my second guest. She was STILL all yappy about "Just say NO" as if it was a brand new public service announcement we hadn't heard yet -- but I was the host so I put a stop to it.
"Don't be so Bum-outy, Nancy. Don't just say NO, say IF."
"What if someone offers me DRUGS and I don't want to eat them?" She wheezed.
"Then just say "I'll eat drugs IF they are made out of lasers and IF they come shooting out of Vladimr Putin's nipples. Since that's not likely to happen you get the same results without being a little ol' Negative Nancy."
"You don't know Vladimr." She said.
When I got home after the hosting gig I discovered that everything in my garage had been stolen because I left the effing door open. The weird part is that whoever jacked all my stuff installed about ten super skinny shower stalls before they left. They were too skinny for me and I'm not even 400lbs anymore.
Be on the look out for a half guilt ridden plumber.
Summary:
My "anium" is apparently radioactive.
Nancy Reagan Self-Rufies.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught staining your six pack just because the president thinks pre-karate sex is un-American.
Your Secretary of Defense,
Link Cheney
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