About picnic tables in the hot sun: Cram them up your butt. Ever heard of shade? You already know that I'll twist my balls off and put them on the table and do you really want to have your friends mistake them for a peaches again? I didn't think so. Last time just to be clear, If you make me sit at a hot table in the sun, the balls are coming off and they WILL be placed upon it. I know, but you apparently don't listen unless I tell you a billion times -- even then. Right? -- I said RIGHT!?
About digging ditches: Not as bad as it sounds, sure the work is back breaking, but the soil is cool on your skin, mud is fun and chances are that if you do happen to find yourself digging a ditch it is more than likely that you are an extra in a court/wedding drama/comedy movie of the week so Craft services is just over yonder which of course means PUDDING POPS! I suppose if you're an actual prisoner/best man for reals they probably keep the chain just short enough to keep the pudding pops just out of reach. Not my fault you were born mexican/douchey. Any mexicans/douchebags in the house? Rattle your handcuffs/rolex if you have a taco/dick in your mouth.
Oh yeah, good advice for being an extra in court/wedding movies; wear a fake beard and get paid twice. That's what I did.
About wacky cab drivers: I'm not going to tip you extra for wearing blue makeup, a wacky hat, funny gloves or a wig and I don't need you to sing. Being pleasant is all that is required, my name ain't P.T. Barnum so can the audition. I understand it's a tough business and it's really hard to get those extra tips and what not, but really, talk radio is fine. I'll ask the questions. I'm a good tipper anyway. Lemme hear my cabbies say HO.
About glass ceilings: how else are the people downstairs supposed to see up your skirt? Think before you speak. You sound like an idiot. Anybody?
About calling your sister fat: If that is what you have to do to draw attention away from your pork chop face, well I'm not gonna sit here and judge. Plus people love family fights. Also we like little tiny rooms filled with lots of people while we sit on chairs that place our face at exact ass level. Don't we people? Huh? --
About eliciting interaction from readers: STOP IT. Right? We hate interaction right? Stand up and be counted people. Get them noses out them cracks.
Now Gillian;
That's all for now.
Don't get caught forgetting to put the silverware in it's right place.
Your Personal Scape Goat's Butt,
George W. Tush
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