I have a friend that is a terrible driver, always yelling, driving aggressively, flipping people off etc.. it's like he thinks the whole world is intentionally in his way. It's not fun, in fact it can be down right miserable, nevertheless, I always let him drive everywhere because as bad as he is as a driver he is ten times worse as a back seat driver.
Well yesterday he took the worst of both and combined them by literally driving his car from the back seat. He rigged some pedal extensions and other junk to make it work, he was part drunk as usual and he thought that by sitting in the back seat, in the event that he got pulled over for drunk driving he could claim that he wasn't driving at all, he was merely sitting in the back seat. Yeah, that'd work.
As usual he was driving like a complete moron, swerving in and out of traffic, hitting parked cars, doing donuts in the road and carrying on like a total asshole, meanwhile I'm pleading with him to knock it the fuck off while scanning for cops. Every time I'd see a cop he'd turn the corner or ditch the cop in a back yard or old tunnel.
I'm not gonna drive with him anymore.
He convinced me to stop with him at a new fast food drive in place that everyone has been talking about. I don't see what the big deal is, it's the same fifties style diner we've all seen a million times the only difference I could see was that they installed urinals right out in the main eating area. Apparently this is very european and cool. I think the idea is total shit, especially if you happen to be sitting right next to one and you can feel the pee spray on your arm like I did. Not appetizing.
The place was filled with cops when we got there but halfway thru my burger they left and within minutes the place was crawling with criminals, real dirt bags, meth head hippie types of all sort swarmed in. My friend left his shit unattended with me as he went to pee in one of the special musical urinals with a long line way on the other side of the joint. The criminals could see this and seized upon the loot.
"Leave that shit alone, that belongs to a friend of mine asshole."
They ignored me and scattered with his stuff. I chased one out into the parking lot where I was able to dive and grab him by his baggy raver bell bottoms. He punched me in the face and threw me into a rage which landed him smack dab in the mayors office of beat down city. I punched his face to a pulp, I could feel his nose cartilage crumbling with each blow. Sure I probably over did it but he was also receiving the rage that should have been directed at my friend for making me go to that stupid hole in the first place and leaving me with his shit when I specifically told him not to. My victim's girlfriend jumped in and started pulling my hair so I pounded the shit out of her too and then I dumped the contents of her brand new Fendi bag, which was designed to look like a brain, out into the gutter.
"My Fendi, my Fendi, my Fendi.." She kept screaming over and over.
"That's the part of the brain that controls shopping." her friend joked from the sidelines as she pointed at the Fendi brain bag in the gutter. I thought it was a pretty clever thing to say in the middle of a parking lot brawl. I was attracted to her.
The cops finally came and one of the criminals who didn't really steal much of anything apologized profusely and reimbursed my friend for all the goods stolen by others, then he offered to pay me even though I beat the ever livin shit out of his pal and his girlfriend. He overdid the apologizing. He quickly became annoying.
He followed us to the party.
At the party I made steaks and rainbow trout, the overly apologetic gay dude asked me for cigarettes but I didn't have any, then he tried to reach into my pockets to see if I was lying and another fight broke out. Luckily the gay asian cop followed us to the party too and he shot the overly apologetic gay dude in the head.
Everyone was gay. What else is new.
I never trust people who are too good at apologies, it just means the have had a lot of practice from fucking up non-stop.
I kept looking for the joke teller chick but I couldn't find her so I masturbated instead. Even better.
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