Sheistey Burt Reynolds, Fat Woman Butt and Pig in a Poncho Fantastic

I don't care what anybody says, I think Burt Reynolds is sheistey and up to no good and I'll tell you why.

I was at dinner at his house with my old friend and occasional bandmate Adrian. The house was lovely, the dining room where we sat seemed as if it hadn't change since a remodel done during the success of Burt's Cannonball Run movies. The overly long dining room table was made out of a deep reddish magenta rosewood and was covered with a layer of gloss so thick it was as if it was topped with a layer of glass. I could even see my reflection. Boy did I look handsome.

Dinner took forever to come but that was OK because the seats were comfortable, what wasn't comfortable was the direction of the dinner conversation. Burt had a long spreadsheet tablet of paper laid out on the table. -- The sheets were very wide and skinny, like wide paper ribbons and on them he had Adrian's entire financial history written in sharpie and laid out in a timeline. He was pitching Adrian on some financial planning and some tax shelter schemes. As an observer, I was able to keep my attention focused on Burt's face while Adrian pointed to specific events in his financial timeline. Each time Adrian would make a suggestion or ask a certain tax related question about a certain event, Burt's big mustache would twitch, his stretched out plastic surgery impaired eyes would shift and dart around like a used car salesman and he'd say something along the lines of

"Whoa boy, now that's a doozie, ya gotta be real careful there cuz they'll gitchya."

He was blatantly fanning the flames of Adrian's financial fears an I knew it. I know people herald him as "The Financial Saint to The Stars" but I could smell a rat and that rat looked just like Burt Reynolds. I mean who has a nude portrait of Loni Anderson hanging over their dining room table? I don't care if they dated or not, they broke up like 20 years ago. What a sheister. Oh yeah , Catherine, one of my newer mySpace friends with the librarian glasses was there too. She didn't say anything but I could tell that she thought Burt Reynolds was a sheister too. MORE PROOF!

After dinner at Burt's we went to the set of a new video, show or some dealie in which Adrian was involved. I brought my video camera to document it all like the old days. It was super boring and I wouldn't even mention it at all except and a bit of terrible news was revealed while watching the instant replays. I could see myself from behind in some of the shots and it appears that I have developed an awful case of Fat Woman Butt. This is by FAR the worst way for a man to get fat. I will diet immediately. Fat Woman Butt on a man is grounds for suicide and that's no joke.

We took a break to watch a movie on mini DV. It was a Dr. Seuss Christmas movie that I had never seen. I sat in a recliner made out of packed snow. Lemme tell ya, there is nothing better than a recliner made out of snow and I was sure to let everyone know about it. BTW, whose bright Idea was it to invite my mother? She was bugging the crap out of me.

After the movie it was back to work. Adrian had a scene he was acting out with Robert DeNiro. DeNiro couldn't get his lines right. There was no director to be found so a peanut gallery which included myself and about 5 other geniuses formed and stepped in to help. It wasn't helping at all. Each time he'd do a line, three or four geniuses in the directors gallery would chime in with "Maybe you should go....". It was obviously becoming more about the many directors competing for influence than it was about art. By take 34 I was getting fed up and I stood up and began an angry rant:

"YOU NEED TO BE ANGRY YOU LITTLE PEICE OF SHIT!!" I screamed at DeNiro.

It was just the motivation he needed as he became livid at the notion of some Fat Woman Butted amateur directing him.

"Now channel that anger you are feeling towards me into the scene" I said.

He did it and everyone agreed that the next take was the best of DeNiro's career.

Told you I know what's up.

Later in the evening I had to choose which of the many holiday party invitations I was going to accept. They were all located pretty much in the same place so I thought I'd just swing by each one to see which one had the best food or highest ticket price to get in. I'm frugal like that. I think of value.

The place was a big dimly lit concourse divided into many different parties. Some looked like school cafeterias, some looked really Las Vegas loungey, it had sort of an airport food court vibe. I kept thinking,

"This is like a giant Mormon stake house. I haven't been in one of these things for years."

I stopped by many parties, said hello to the random friends and people who had invited me and then snuck out the side door to see what the next one was all about. I was most excited about the one to which my friend Tom Dumont had invited me. He's not known for being fooled by Hollywood hype which usually either means that the party is gonna be a complete bore or it's gonna be the highest quality around. I stopped at one of those "you are here" maps they have in the mall to get my bearings and I eventually found Tom's party. It was in a strip mall style movie theater. I went to the will call window and picked up my shiny gold VIP passes and went in.

"Where the fuck is seat 3718?" I mumbled to myself as I looked at the maze of aisles and layers of steps laid out before me"

As I wandered about, it became obvious that I arrived during a lull in the program. The theater seats were barely a 3rd full and people were scattered all over the multi tiered theater in no particular fashion except random. I finally figured out that 3718 meant row 37, seat 18 and I was kinda bummed because seat number 18 was obviously gonna be in the middle of the row. I spotted Dumont and we did our hellos and what not.

"So what did I miss?" I asked.

"Oh the B52's just finished, they were pretty good."

I'm not a big fan of the B52's so I was not bummed at all that I missed them.

The theater staff came out and made every person present feel as if they were in the way as they shuffled seats and tables from here to there. A loud foriegn voice came over the big blue loudspeaker and announced that a video was going to be the next big thing on the agenda but that if we wished to watch it it would be an additional $9.99. I complained to staff and showed them my VIP wristband, but the man just pointed to a sign and said;

"It's posted everywhere sir"

Sure enough it was. "All attendees must pay $9.99 to watch the video" The sign was very clear.

"Classy party Dumont" I teased, "I thought there was supposed to be dinner or something."

"You missed it and it was terrific. You should try to find the kitchen to see if you can still get a plate. totally worth it."

So I set off on a wild mexican goose chase to find the kitchen. I was still in the huge concourse so there were kitchens everywhere. I needed to find the RIGHT kitchen. Eventually I found myself outside the concourse in front of a catering wagon, you know, the shiny quilted chrome type that show up to construction work sites at lunch time. I stood in front of the three women round who worked there for 3 long minutes only waiting to ask them if they knew where the "All You Ever Needed" kitchen was but they were completely ignoring me even though there were no other customers. Finally I picked up a few of the hard purple candies on the counter in front of me and I threw them really hard one after another at one of the women totally beaning her in the head and glasses. When she turned to me I noticed that she wasn't a woman at all but a man with FAT Woman Butt disorder and he looked at me with a look of utter contempt.

"You have to admit, throwing hard candy to get your attention is pretty god damned hilarious." I tried to convince him.

"Yeah, I suppose it is" he agreed. "How can I help you?"

"I'm looking for the All You Ever Needed kitchen, I arrived late and I was hoping I could still get dinner."

"Wow, you were invited to that? That's like the most expensive ticket in town, not a dinner you want to miss. They are all gone, I saw them drive out about 15 minutes ago. Bummer. Want a Pig in a Poncho?"

"Pig in a poncho? Holy shit, I invented that! Sure I'll have one."

He placed a long mustard covered polish hot dog on a grilled flour tortilla, put some jalapeños on it, wrapped it up tight and handed it to me.

"No charge. Best invention ever, I bought my house with your invention."

"Good for you, the only thing I ever got from my invention was Fat Woman Butt."

Told you I know what's up.