Boraxo Butter Homemade Sex Lube, The Chip Crispiness Test Dwarfchild and The Insensitive Green Villians

After much discussion a few people began concocting their favorite sex lube recipes. The kitchen was crowded and super messy from the party last night so I took my ingredients and big mixing bowl into the bedroom right off the kitchen. Let's see if I remember the ingredients, 4 cubes of butter, a smidge of hair conditioner, some Boraxo, olive oil, a variety of lotions, I pretty much made it up along the way obviously drawing from experience and the times I desired a little lube in a pinch, although I never used butter or boraxo before, I'm not sure that's even a good idea. It certainnly felt as if I was on a winning track as the ingredients squished through my fingers.

Back in the kitchen I searched for a clean glass but they were all smeared with big thick smudges of lipstick and the soap was doing nothing but making the lipstick smears turn into a goopy sludge which was resisting even the absorbent coarse fibers of my shirt. Damn I was thirsty.

There were lots of leftover chips from the party before. Some post menopausal snooty woman was going around throwing away anything that had been opened even if there were no chips missing. I tactfully mentioned that she was being rather wasteful and she shot off a snotty gaze and said:

"This California air is like a hot shower, these things are all soggy and stale."

She was completely full of shit. She didn't even try one. I pulled a handful of chips out of the bag and inserted one into the open mouth of a nearby slightly retarded looking rosy cheeked infant/midget type person. The resulting noise was a very crispy crunch that lasted for at least twenty chomps. My point was proven. To celebrate my victory I lifted the midget/infant creature above my head. Her body felt like that of a small dog in my seemingly gigantic sprawling hand. Her ribs were tiny and delicate. Chip crumbs fell down into my eyes as she continued chomping while laughing. Ah victory.

Duane Call, one of my best friends ever, showed up with his brother Jason Call, Chad Bagley and some other old friends from Provo. They were all dressed up in vintage green suits and hats that might remind one of comic book villians. One of the was wering a full green face mask and I assumed it was that fucking cunt of a douchebag, backstabbing former room mate of mine Bill Hayes so I ignored him. I quickly ascertained that they were there to be in the movie that was happening.

"Hey, what's this all about? How come nobody called me about this?" I asked feeling more than a little left out.

"Well Merks, this might come as a surprise to you, but you're not the first person we think of when opportunity arises."

Ouch, that one hurt, especially coming from Duane because generally we have this mutual ego boosting attitude towards one another especially in public and he was obviously using this opportunity to quite publicly knock me down a few pegs. I thought about what I might have done to warrant such a slap in the dick but I couldn't think of anything.

I hurried back to the locker room and began going through my gigantic locker looking for green clothing. I wasn't about to let all those dudes humiliate me like that and shut me out of the gig. If they wanted to act like that, well I was gonna get the best green get up around and slide right into action. Trouble was that I couldn't put together the right combination, just when I thought I found the best pair of pants I'd realize that they weren't pants but a seat cushion or sleeping bag. Time was running out so I started looking through my step brother Chad Simmons' locker. He had a bunch of green suits in there. I found one green plaid jacket that I thought was actually mine.

Chad showed up and I was quite embarrassed to be rifling through his locker,

"Hey Chad, is this jacket mine?"

"Um, I don't think so" he said with his kind and humble voice, "I think I may have let you borrow it once but I think you might have forgotten to return the pants."

He was totally right.

All of Steve Martin's 12 children came by, they were packing up the station wagon as the film they were working on had just wrapped. One of them said:

"Hey are you one of the green villains?"

"Uhh"

"Man YOU ARE GONNA RULE as a green villian"

All of them nodded their heads in agreement. Apparently they are big fans of mine. I should have known, what with all the praise I always get from their dad.