I took a trip to Big Ham City. I t wasn't fun, don't look it up and don't go there. It's just a bunch of bad actors acting badly.
Stupid fucking name for a city too.
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I watched an Office Depot employee put a price tag on a price tag.
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I visited an old roommate of mine who is married to the biggest blogger in the universe. I slept on the couch and he sacred the fuck out of me when his sleeping disorder kicked in and caused him to mime a bunch of stuff up on the coffee table.
From what I could tell, I think he was dream eating spaghetti and maybe kayaking.
Sleepwalkers are basically zombies.
His wife, while sometimes tolerable on her blog, (if you like excuses/jokes about depression and the exploitation of offspring and pets (which of course I sometimes do)) wasn't so charming in true life. She couldda been the mayor of the aforementioned avoid worthy pork centric city.
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I went to an early matinee.
Nobody told me that's when the folk singing clowns go see movies.
Actual real clowns with floppy shoes and honking stuff.
They nearly wrecked the movie till I gave them the what for.
I yelled really loudly for a really long time at those clowns.
A lot of rage I didn't even know I had came flooding out.
It felt good.
Summary:
Clown Abuse = Honky Catharsis
That's all for now.
Don't get caught getting all mixed up in clown pity.
Your Number One Most Popular Alternative Vietnamese Clown Nose Placement Location,
Your Dong Tip Duh
August 21, 2008
August 20, 2008
Guess Who's Coming For Dinner, Obama's Amputated ARMy & Water Droplet Tech is Mostly Boob Driven
I got married to one of the girls in my book. Don't worry though ladies and gays, it was a sham marriage purely designed to anger her parents.
I'm not insane.
I was busted eavesdropping on a conversation Obama was having with one of his associates by a rolling pin bearing homeless woman amputee who came scooting along on her little homeless amputee slab. at first I felt that hand in a candy jar feeling but then I thought:
"She can only use one hand for scooting, how fast can she be."
I threatened her.
Anyway, apparently one armed scootering is the same as being in a boat with only one oar, as long as one switches sides every couple of paddles...
Point is, Obama's supporters are handiCAPABLE for sure.
Speaking of Obama supporters, a white guilt rockstar friend of mine just spent a billion dollars building a new mansion.
He showed me around.
"Dude, why are all the stairways slanted hard to the left? Seems really dangerous, especially with no handrails."
"Well, the more dangerous the task, the more care is taken."
"Are you saying people are less likely to fall down the stairs if they are forced to pay attention?"
"Basically yeah, also people can't sue you if your house is obviously a FUN house. Injuries are a big part of the FUN."
"And you are voting for Obama?"
"Yeah."
Sometimes people don't even realize they have turned into a republican.
So sad.
Not sad that they have turned republican, sad that they don't know it.
ALSO, years ago I invented a shower head that disperses timed droplets in such a fashion that with a little strobing of the lights, a three dimensional image, made entirely of droplets, appears in the shower with full movement and everything, just like a hologram or a water droplet puppet. Well, my friend had one made and installed. His chosen moving 3D water droplet image was a girl playing with her boobs.
Big surprise there.
Summary:
Marriage is Best Used for Spite.
White Guilt is The Reddest of Herrings
That's all for now.
Don't get caught mythbusting your balls,
Your 5th and 28th favorite fucked up stiff appendages,
John McCain's Arms
I'm not insane.
I was busted eavesdropping on a conversation Obama was having with one of his associates by a rolling pin bearing homeless woman amputee who came scooting along on her little homeless amputee slab. at first I felt that hand in a candy jar feeling but then I thought:
"She can only use one hand for scooting, how fast can she be."
I threatened her.
Anyway, apparently one armed scootering is the same as being in a boat with only one oar, as long as one switches sides every couple of paddles...
Point is, Obama's supporters are handiCAPABLE for sure.
Speaking of Obama supporters, a white guilt rockstar friend of mine just spent a billion dollars building a new mansion.
He showed me around.
"Dude, why are all the stairways slanted hard to the left? Seems really dangerous, especially with no handrails."
"Well, the more dangerous the task, the more care is taken."
"Are you saying people are less likely to fall down the stairs if they are forced to pay attention?"
"Basically yeah, also people can't sue you if your house is obviously a FUN house. Injuries are a big part of the FUN."
"And you are voting for Obama?"
"Yeah."
Sometimes people don't even realize they have turned into a republican.
So sad.
Not sad that they have turned republican, sad that they don't know it.
ALSO, years ago I invented a shower head that disperses timed droplets in such a fashion that with a little strobing of the lights, a three dimensional image, made entirely of droplets, appears in the shower with full movement and everything, just like a hologram or a water droplet puppet. Well, my friend had one made and installed. His chosen moving 3D water droplet image was a girl playing with her boobs.
Big surprise there.
Summary:
Marriage is Best Used for Spite.
White Guilt is The Reddest of Herrings
That's all for now.
Don't get caught mythbusting your balls,
Your 5th and 28th favorite fucked up stiff appendages,
John McCain's Arms
August 19, 2008
If Nobody Buys My Soul I'm Throwing It Out, Lounge and Grow Rich & Goths Do Laundry Too
I'm not so sure where one goes to sell one's soul, but even if I did, I'm really probably too lazy to make the trip.
Plus, it would probably require some negotiation and a meeting or two and Santa knows how much I hate meetings and sales pitches.
I don't even know how to get my soul out to part ways in the first place.
I tried to breathe it out but I don't think it worked.
Souls are dumb.
I needed some change to do the laundry so I went digging through the cushions but all I found were dollar bills.
LOTS of dollar bills.
Since when do cushions suck out dollar bills?
Anyway, I'm looking into it. Don't be surprised if you see me at the cushion patent office once I get some answers.
Also, I got swindled into playing keyboards for Trent Reznor's new band. He is tan and muscular now.
HOLY SHIT I HATE TRENT REZNOR.
I am cursed with a sense of hospitality and accommodation.
I made the best of it, I climbed up on his big tower in the middle of the stage and did laundry as I threw a goth rock tantrum tipping over boxes of detergent and piles of folded clothing.
The rest of the stage was decorated like an upside down theater with a giant bouquet of roses shaped like satan's head.
Oh the rebellion.
Summary:
I'd put my soul out on the curb if I thought someone would take it.
It's not stealing if the thief is a cushion.
Tan + Muscles = NOT GOTH
That's all for now.
Don't get caught slamming the dryer closed for cheap applause.
Your Favorite Shape For a Floral Arrangement,
A Turd
Plus, it would probably require some negotiation and a meeting or two and Santa knows how much I hate meetings and sales pitches.
I don't even know how to get my soul out to part ways in the first place.
I tried to breathe it out but I don't think it worked.
Souls are dumb.
I needed some change to do the laundry so I went digging through the cushions but all I found were dollar bills.
LOTS of dollar bills.
Since when do cushions suck out dollar bills?
Anyway, I'm looking into it. Don't be surprised if you see me at the cushion patent office once I get some answers.
Also, I got swindled into playing keyboards for Trent Reznor's new band. He is tan and muscular now.
HOLY SHIT I HATE TRENT REZNOR.
I am cursed with a sense of hospitality and accommodation.
I made the best of it, I climbed up on his big tower in the middle of the stage and did laundry as I threw a goth rock tantrum tipping over boxes of detergent and piles of folded clothing.
The rest of the stage was decorated like an upside down theater with a giant bouquet of roses shaped like satan's head.
Oh the rebellion.
Summary:
I'd put my soul out on the curb if I thought someone would take it.
It's not stealing if the thief is a cushion.
Tan + Muscles = NOT GOTH
That's all for now.
Don't get caught slamming the dryer closed for cheap applause.
Your Favorite Shape For a Floral Arrangement,
A Turd
August 06, 2008
Polished Dolphins Make Lazy Seamen, School is For Dummies & Be Careful What You Horrify For Cuz Your Ball Just Might Be It
Notwithstanding the fact that I'm decidedly land based, I made a big floating contraption out of a super comfortable big white La-Z-Boy recliner and rocked that shit all up and down the coastline.
You might think that merely using my hands to paddle would make for a sludgy float, but that's only because you have never seen my webbed fingers nor have you ever seen me point my feet into the exact same shape as a shiny dolphin.
Anyway, carrying the chair all over town SUCKED, I shouldda included wheels and a flock of poodles to drag me home.
And guess what, I finally dropped out of high school and I'm not gonna go to college either.
I'm 41
Speaking of which, one of the girls from my 111??? book was acting bitchy yesterday. She thinks she is pretty hot shit because she has this huge collection of Charles Shultz crap.
An adult collecting toys is about as cute as a diaper collecting poop.
Later on I noticed that my left ball was nubbing out of my pocket as I told a story about a dude in my neighborhood growing up who's chubbed up ding dong could ALWAYS be seen flopping round through the holes in his corduroys.
Ew.
His name was Mayne Wargetts and as legend has it was known to hump sheep. FOR REALS. I hope he googles himself and finds this.
Don't say I never ironic unwelcome ball sighting anecdoted you.
Summary:
Polished dolphins make lazy seamen.
School is for dummies.
Be careful what you horrify for cuz your ball just might be it.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught swapping the M and the W as to not get Google sued by a gross molestoid.
Your Favorite Conjugation Relating To Internet Lawsuits,
Soogled™
You might think that merely using my hands to paddle would make for a sludgy float, but that's only because you have never seen my webbed fingers nor have you ever seen me point my feet into the exact same shape as a shiny dolphin.
Anyway, carrying the chair all over town SUCKED, I shouldda included wheels and a flock of poodles to drag me home.
And guess what, I finally dropped out of high school and I'm not gonna go to college either.
I'm 41
Speaking of which, one of the girls from my 111??? book was acting bitchy yesterday. She thinks she is pretty hot shit because she has this huge collection of Charles Shultz crap.
An adult collecting toys is about as cute as a diaper collecting poop.
Later on I noticed that my left ball was nubbing out of my pocket as I told a story about a dude in my neighborhood growing up who's chubbed up ding dong could ALWAYS be seen flopping round through the holes in his corduroys.
Ew.
His name was Mayne Wargetts and as legend has it was known to hump sheep. FOR REALS. I hope he googles himself and finds this.
Don't say I never ironic unwelcome ball sighting anecdoted you.
Summary:
Polished dolphins make lazy seamen.
School is for dummies.
Be careful what you horrify for cuz your ball just might be it.
That's all for now.
Don't get caught swapping the M and the W as to not get Google sued by a gross molestoid.
Your Favorite Conjugation Relating To Internet Lawsuits,
Soogled™
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