My mom is now running a wedding reception center in London. It's the same place where a big rockstar friend got married and I had to spend her whole wedding day in her bridal chambers documenting it all.
Too much estrogen. My balls shrank to microsopic levels.
My mom didn't own it then, nor did she own it when I got married there way back when. She has become quite an avid art collector, having commissioned a whole room of paintings that looked like old Daniel Boone postcards. In each painting there were at least three bearded men, one of which was an obvious likeness of me. At first glance you'd think I'd be flattered, but that's just because you don't know my mom. Those painting are her way of trying to explain to the world that there are famous men with beards, it's the only way she can deal with her shame, you know, by trying to validate my existence though the accomplishments of beard-os past.
Ew, marriage. Why do the gays want it so much? It's as if they are demanding entrance to a leper colony, you know, just cuz it's exclusive.
Equality does require equal stupidity I suppose.
Speaking of gays, I don't know why I always feel so compelled to drag some gays out of the closet. I get really annoyed with closet gays. They aren't helping anything. I called out half my Mormon mom's staff.
And then we got robbed. One of the robbers was wearing one of my favorite suits. Guess he stole it. I would have been pissed but I have to admit he did look sharp.
Anyway, I snuck out of the robbery and made my way to the old wedding breakfast nook where I snacked on fish, hot dogs, trail mix and donuts.
At the airport coming home I ran into one of my best friends from high school. Apparently I did something to make him think I'm an asshole because he had no interest in talking to me and was obviously pissed. Or maybe that's just they way pilots act.
Nevertheless my feelings were hurt.
Glad to be back from London.
Point is:
You gotta fight 4 your right 2 B RETAAAARRRDED!
That's all for now,
Don't get caught doing a Naked Lady Sale on Vetrans Day.
Your Assistant Manager In Charge of So Much Important Stuff You Can't Even Believe It,
Your Name Here
November 11, 2008
November 10, 2008
Wanna Hear Me Do Woody Allen? No? Extreme Garage Door Makeover: Jet Engine TV Edition & The Creepy Sleepwalker Chick
Found out that falling asleep during a Woody Allen movie results in the ability to do a perfect impression. Too bad the only person entertained by a perfect Woody Allen impression is an old roommate who I hope I never see again.
I was trying to sleep but I could hear the sound of a TV coming from below my bed. Nobody lives below my bed, that's where the garage is. When I went to investigate, I discovered that someone had installed an entertainment center into my garage door. Must have been one of those garage door makeover shows because they actually did a pretty good job, the final result looked a bit like a jet engine covered in old bakelite wall receptacles.
They also installed a very powerful fan. Not necessary.
While I was down there I noticed that I have terrible noise leakage, if you were to stand below my window you would probably be able to hear me farting in my sleep, and I'm NOT a loud sleep farter.
Time to break out the can of expanding foam.
BTW how cool is that shit?, Also, why not just combine it with aerosol cheese?
Hello instant massive cheese puffs.
Hello a billion dollars.
Later on when I was trying to sleep, a really creepy girl wandered in to my room totally sleep walking. She was a complete stranger and other than totally giving me the standard sleep walker willies, she didn't seem to mean any harm so I didn't try to wake her up. I gently guided her to the front door and sent her on her sleepwalky way.
This whole city is basically sleepwalking anyway.
Don't judge.
Point is:
I'm the Potential Willi Wonka of SAVORY Snacks
That's all for now.
Don't get caught constantly reminding the old roommates that THEY MOVED OUT AND CAN'T KEEP STAYING HERE.
Your Favorite Memory From This Blog Post,
Expanding Cheese Foam In a Can
I was trying to sleep but I could hear the sound of a TV coming from below my bed. Nobody lives below my bed, that's where the garage is. When I went to investigate, I discovered that someone had installed an entertainment center into my garage door. Must have been one of those garage door makeover shows because they actually did a pretty good job, the final result looked a bit like a jet engine covered in old bakelite wall receptacles.
They also installed a very powerful fan. Not necessary.
While I was down there I noticed that I have terrible noise leakage, if you were to stand below my window you would probably be able to hear me farting in my sleep, and I'm NOT a loud sleep farter.
Time to break out the can of expanding foam.
BTW how cool is that shit?, Also, why not just combine it with aerosol cheese?
Hello instant massive cheese puffs.
Hello a billion dollars.
Later on when I was trying to sleep, a really creepy girl wandered in to my room totally sleep walking. She was a complete stranger and other than totally giving me the standard sleep walker willies, she didn't seem to mean any harm so I didn't try to wake her up. I gently guided her to the front door and sent her on her sleepwalky way.
This whole city is basically sleepwalking anyway.
Don't judge.
Point is:
I'm the Potential Willi Wonka of SAVORY Snacks
That's all for now.
Don't get caught constantly reminding the old roommates that THEY MOVED OUT AND CAN'T KEEP STAYING HERE.
Your Favorite Memory From This Blog Post,
Expanding Cheese Foam In a Can
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